stormieweather

New Beginnings

2008-09-22T20:14:00.000-05:00

Between my two jobs, meeting new people and my kids I’ve barely been able to keep up with my laundry and grocery shopping. I’ve literally been squeezing an hour here and there just to keep up with things. My little safety box that I’ve lived in my whole life has been busted open…I walked into a very crowded biker bar by myself in search of a group of women I’ve never met before. Entered a crowded restaurant with a bottle of wine in my arm and introduced myself to a group of very diverse and interesting people. Went to a book club at an old beautiful mansion that was hosted by a beautiful and funny woman and drank lots of wine, talked about The Secret then drank lots more wine. Was asked out by a fast talking middle aged man who couldn’t tell me enough how much he loved his wife … while I was working and being paged over the intercom. Last but not least I went to a house party where I met a lot of fun divorced women with lots of stories and helpful hints regarding the whole single life and while I was there I had my Tarot cards read! A friend of mine who has been single for years told me that the whole single scene is depressing and the only thing that really matters is family; that the people I meet will never add value to my life. Family is very important to me but I have to say that all the people I’ve met so far, even if I never see them again, have made an impact on me. I have the rest of my life to turn jaded but for now I’m enjoying meeting new people who have nothing to do with my family, kids, work or my old life. We are all just looking for our place in this world and trying not to be lonely. I still need to learn how to cook, I totally suck at it and I’m still in debt…I suck at that too!

Month one in my new place

2008-09-05T21:31:00.001-05:00

It’s been 3 days shy of a month since I’ve moved into my apartment – happy 1 month anniversary to me! The first 2 weeks really kicked me in the butt, it was a big adjustment mentally – again with the depression BUT here I am alone on a Friday night and I’m totally ok with it – I’m actually feeling pretty peaceful which is a rarity for me so I’m lovin it!

For some reason things have been breaking one after another…T.V., Car AC, can opener etc…and financially I just haven’t been cutting it. All the house renovations that we did the last few years were all charged; we split the charge cards evenly but the debt is huge. My vow is to NEVER rely on charge cards again! I knew I had to do something so I applied for a part time job, was offered job and am now working about 55 – 60 hours a week. It’s only going to be for a year at the most.

I’m a hopeless romantic and really hope that there is someone in my future but after hearing horror stories from other divorced women I’m a little skeptic. I joined some groups on Meetup.com plus a book club that meets once a month; as long as I stay somewhat socially active I’ll be ok.

Just for the fun of it I’ve been spending my free time looking through the yahoo personal pages. I have a few tips for single men posting pictures on these sites….the majority of these photos look like mugs shots and I really think some of them are. No woman wants to date an axe murderer so you might consider smiling and combing your hair. And…whats up with men or anyone over the age of 20 giving stupid upside down peace signs with their fingers? Do you really think I’m going to take someone serious when they do that…you look like an idiot…all I can think of is a very old Fonzi wanna be! One last tip is to smile and take the trucker hat off and get a clean shirt one, I want to see someone who is happy not someone with a grimace that seems to say "let me make you my bitch". But I have to say it’s entertaining…I’ve been picking men who are completely different from my soon to be ex…OMG…I’m going to be someone’s bitch! I think when I do date I am going to look for someone with a bike, not the peddle kind that I’m used to but the real deal – it’s totally out of my normal suburban Mom life. Maybe I’ll be a bad ass motorcycle momma – I already have the droppy boobs so I’m half way there. But for now I’ll work my 55 hours a week and clip every coupon I can and hope I survive another week.

Week 4, 5 moving day and here I am

2008-08-12T23:08:00.003-05:00

I just got my internet to work after days of sporadically trying...I managed to mess the connection up. Moving day came and went in a haze of people, stairs (3rd floor apartment) and boxes. I moved in last Thursday, my youngest stayed with me until Sunday and my oldest is living with me for now. We were so busy getting things organized that it wasn't until Saturday that I was able to really take a break and think about everything. My moment of peace came on Saturday night....my youngest went to her (and her sisters) room and feel asleep in her new bed with the light and tv on. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen her sleeping...I love seeing my kids sleeping - it's very peaceful...looking in on her, actually sleeping in her new 2nd home calmed every frazzled nerve ending I have. I knew everything would be ok at that moment...but then Sunday came...no kids, cash or car -during the move my oldest daughters car broke down so she was using mine. I was alone in a strange place and had no clue what to do....I'm 42 years old and have a lot to learn and a lot of old patterns to break.

I joined my soon to be ex sister-in-laws book club and went to my first meeting tonight. My daughter, who was out with her dad, texted me at the end of our drunkin meeting and told me that she just found out her Grandma had MCI and FTD - a memory disease that will eventually shut down her thinking process. I knew my Mother-in-law had a problem with her reasoning skills for the last year but just thought she was too preoccupied with other things going on in her life. I asked my sister-in-law about it and she said that she was just diagnosed but has really gone down hill fast the last couple of months. True I am divorcing my husband but I've been a part of his family since I was 18 years old...I know these people better than my own family. In the scheme of everything going on I just wish I could be there for my Mother-in-law (her husband won't allow it though)...I always told my mother-in-law that I would take care of her in her old age...that's been part of my guilt while going through this whole divorce process...knowing that I let her down on that. Life...good or bad has a way of just happening...you can't stop the bad things BUT the sun will alway be there in the morning with promises of a new day. I know I've had too many glasses of wine for the night.

Week 3 1/2 - two more to go

2008-07-15T13:34:00.005-05:00

Two weekends ago my oldest who is turning 20 next month started questioning me "how in the world could you get engaged at 19" telling me that it's waaaay to young to know anything let alone plot out your whole life. I was really taken back by this because she always talked of getting married young like me with mentions of children etc... I never wanted my kids to marry young at all but I would support whatever life decisions they make and I made sure they know this. I was just surprised at her shock over my decisions in my youth, she's never vocalized that she cared about it before. I guess I know why now...last week she called upset, telling me that she broke up with her boyfriend and asked if she could move in with me. The next day her good friend also broke up with her boyfriend, she told my daughter that she gave her the courage to do it...both girls felt trapped in their relationship. My daughter was telling me the exact same things that I've been feeling for years; I know what she's going through. My Mom said I've started an epidemic ... my soon to be apartment is shrinking fast but I'll enjoy her being with me.

The ghost opened my bedroom door last night - completely freaked me out!

My youngest doesn't like coming to visit me at my parents; it's an uncomfortable situation and can't wait for it to end. I see her about 1 - 2 times a week and miss her so much!

My funds are draining slowly away.

My divorce should be finalized within two weeks. What the heck am I doing?

Week Two

2008-07-12T12:42:00.002-05:00

Is been two weeks today since moving in with my parents...3 1/2 more to go. My kids have been coming over on Sundays but its not the same...it's not their house so getting comfortable and "natural" together is a little awkward. I miss having their friends around all the time too; I'm hoping that once I have my own place my kids feel like it's their place also...not "Mom's house"...that their friends want to come over too.

I've worked so hard to budget this month but right when I moved in here my car brakes went out! It set me back $450.00 that I didn't have. I've been putting money away for my first months rent and enough to put down a little on new mattresses but my budget is broken! So many hours are spent every night going over my finances and trying to plan ahead then laying awake till all hours of the night...terrified that I'm not going to make it. I've decided to let the financial worries free...whatever will be, will be. I'm going to remind myself that the first year will be very hard due to all my start up purchases but "IT'S OKAY!" - I talk to myself a lot lately...

This whole financial independence thing is scarier than hell but also very liberating. Another first for me....My boss took all of us out to dinner the other night and as I was leaving my cousin called to tell me she was home from her 7 week stay in Vegas (for work) and that she wanted me to stop by and say hi. I immediately started to tell her "it's getting late (only 9:00) and that he (soon to be ex) wouldn't like me out ...etc" and it hit me... Wait! I can do whatever I want...with no guilt! After 22 years of feeling guilty if I wasn't home all the time for him and the kids it was the strangest feeling. I only stayed at her house for about 20 minutes because of that "guilt" feeling; it's going to take me a long time to break some of these habitual feelings. So far my independence is costly and emotionally confusing but I think if I just let life happen naturally that it will all be worth it.

Week One

2008-06-30T09:09:00.002-05:00

My kids have been told about what’s going on; as long as I live I will never bring such heartbreak to them again.

I moved in with my parents on Saturday…I am living out of a suitcase and so un-settled.

I’ve been a mess for about 2 weeks now, I know this is what I wanted but it’s still hard. I can’t stop breaking up….I’ve got to get myself under control.

My Dad offered for me to move; it’s only been 2 days and I know he’s regretting that offer.

There’s a ghost in my parents’ house. I know for a fact if I’m alone and the ghost decides to do something…anything scary then I’ll wet my pants right then and there….and my Dad with kick me to the curb for staining his carpet. To avoid curb living and potty pants I try to find someplace to go when they leave the house.

Oddly enough this whole thing is bringing my oldest daughter and I closer together.

I miss my youngest, who is staying with her father while I’m with my parents. I miss kissing and hugging her good night.

Five weeks to go.

This post has enought "I's" in it to choke a horse.

Things so far

2008-06-12T10:31:00.000-05:00

I know it’s been awhile…I’ve stayed away from my computer because I feel like I’m being monitored every time I’m on so it’s just easier to keep the peace and stay away from it and the phone. I haven’t been able to freely talk to anyone on the phone! Whenever I’m on my soon to be ex turns the volume down on everything and listens in so he can question me later….he’s afraid I’m talking about him and our situation to everyone (not anyone but the internet haha). He was pretty mad when he found out I was talking to my cousin about things, he doesn’t want anyone to know and I think it’s because he thinks this whole thing will just go away. The less people know the less of a reality this is for him. Because of this I can’t openly tell him too much of my plans because he gets so upset; it’s like I’m telling him for the first time all over again!
I move into my apartment on August 7th and move out of my house on June 28th . I’ll be living with my parents for the month of July. I initially thought I could save some money by doing that but my soon to be is pretty mad that I won’t just stay in the house until August – he said it’s not fair that I can have the chance to save money when he can’t (he makes twice as much as me). He’s making sure that I continue to pay the June bills that arrive in July. I understand that it’s only fair that I pay but he’s pissing me off how he phrases everything and how he’s treating me like a kid who needs to be scolded – and he makes is hard for me to save anything!
My kids still don’t know; I want to tell them so bad! I’m afraid it’s going to be at the last minute...”Mom’s moving out, she’s leaving us”…they’ll be in therapy for years! My youngest comes home from her annual 10 day orchestra mission trip on June 15th so if we don’t tell her within a few days of her arrival then I’ll tell her myself.
I’ve been obsessed with my budge and spend at least an hour every two days going over and over it. Money will be very tight once I’m on my own; I really start to panic thinking “am I doing the right thing?” but I can’t stay in a marriage just for the sake of financial security - I’ve been there done that!
I filed on March 15th so my 60 days is up on June 14th; I’m having a hard time getting in touch with my lawyer so as of now I have no clue as to when I’ll be officially divorced. I think my case has been put on the back burner but he’s a cheap lawyer so that’s understandable.
Evenings are tense and guilt is abundant but at least things are progressing to an end which will lead to my new beginning! I’m scared as hell!

2008-05-07T13:17:00.001-05:00

The soon to be ex and I were suppose to visit our oldest on Sunday to let her know about our divorce but at the last minute he said he was going to his brothers and we’d tell her later. I didn’t sleep very well the night before because I was going over in my head exactly what I wanted to say to her and preparing myself for possible questions that she might have. What a let down….telling the kids is still looming over my head. If my daughter only knew what I really had planned instead of spending close to $200.00 on clothes and food on her like I did. My oldest was a homebody as she was growing up; she always told me that she was going to live next door to me when she was older but then those damn teenage years came along! She doesn’t like advice from me at all; she views it as either criticism or me not understanding her point so I have to be very cautious with what and how I say things to her. I can completely see where she’s coming from though. A couple of months after moving in with her boyfriend she casually mentioned to me her desire to have kids, so for her 19th birthday last August I bought her a 4 week old puppy. The puppy has since been sold because it was “sooooo needy and wouldn’t stop crying” and she hasn’t mentioned sweet little babies since. It was the best money I’ve ever spent on a birthday present!

GO KU!

2008-04-07T18:30:00.003-05:00

I’m not a sport person at all but what the hell! Speaking of KU my daughter is dropping out of there, her grades have taken a turn for the worse…all the money we’ve spent…all the paperwork we’ve waded through. She’s having a hard time balancing home life, work and school so it’s just as well. She’ll be moving back this summer and plans on going to the local community college this fall (so much cheaper!). I’ll miss visiting her in Lawrence, it’s only a half-hour away but I’ve always enjoyed the drive plus shopping and eating in the old down town area – the rest of Lawrence is pretty run down though. She’s looking at apartments and little does she know I’ve looked at the very same ones that she has.
I filed for divorce last Wednesday! I didn’t want my husband served at work or at home so I planned on him going into the lawyer’s office to sign BUT he’s refusing! I’ll give him a couple of more days to come to his senses. We are still battling over his 401K (he’s pissed that I’m taking half) and also the house; he wants to pay me my half for what the house is worth when he sells it instead of paying me half for what its worth right now at the time of sell (he will sell in 3 years). I told him that it’s to his benefit, why would he want to make a lot of improvements down the road and let me reap the benefits of that. He says with the market how it is who knows if he’ll make any money on the house in 3 years – it’s a valid point so I’ll ask my lawyer if we can go ahead and do that. Right now, I’ll do anything to keep the peace and calm him down. I had lunch with my Mom on Friday to tell her what’s going on and let me tell ya…I was sick to my stomach all week! By the time I saw her I was actually shaking… but who would have thought...everything that I thought she would say she didn’t! She was so supportive and understanding she even told me about what she went through all the times she left my Dad (they separated A LOT!). The biggest shocker came a few hours later when my Dad called and told me that he will support whatever I do! My Dad was actually very nice to me; the man who couldn’t wait to get rid of me ..who told me that I would never be allowed to move back.. told me that I could move in for a month if it would help me save a little bit of money. I can’t even begin to say how good this felt; after keeping this secret for so long it was great to finally tell them everything and still be liked. I kind of feel like I’ve been living a lie and now the truth is out…well almost out – I still have to tell the kids.

Spring Break

2008-03-20T15:17:00.000-06:00

I put my youngest on a plane last Thursday to visit her friend in Arizona for Spring Break. My Soon to be ex decided it was cheaper for him to drive to AZ to pick her up on Friday rather that fly her back; a week without him and the stress…I’m not going to argue! He left on Monday and I have to admit it was a weight lifted off my shoulder, I’ve actually looked forward to coming home. This week has given me a lot of time to think…and drink…. then think some more. I’ve gone from being strong to depressed but it’s just a cycle I have to go through – I’m tired of it since I’ve been going through it for almost a year now. My hub and I had a discussion that he was going to cash in one of his 401K’s and pay off our bills so it wouldn’t be so financially hard on us when we split. I was looking forward to this discussion since it meant we were being proactive about this separation but then he listened to my phone conversation with my cousin and he flipped out! He couldn’t believe I told anyone about what we are going through and decided that we don’t need to discuss anything; he also said "what’s wrong with reconciling instead of going through with this?" One step forward six steps back! There is no reconciling; my heart and my mind are DONE. No wonder people don'’ live together while going through this – it just gives false hope to the other person. I have a call into my lawyer to start the process but I haven’t heard back from him. Right now I feel bad that I haven’t been emotionally available to anyone, I’ve distanced myself from everyone around me…I just don’t have it in me to have a normal conversation with people; acting as though everything is wonderful and normal…I feel like I’m living a lie. I’ve been daydreaming about when all this is out in the open, about when everyone’s feelings are healed….about a scary future being alone for me…..I wish my lawyer would call, I’m ready.

Thank you Kelly

2008-03-03T18:56:00.008-06:00

I know I’ve mentioned what a weird little kid I was yet surprisingly I did have one friend and very surprisingly she wasn’t related to me. She was the first true friend that I ever had and became my life long friend. She would proudly call out to me in the halls at grade school when usually I was faced with grimaces and smirks; she didn’t care what the others thought – this alone speaks volumes of her character. Kelly had her own troubles to deal with yet she never let it show, never let it bring her down. She was well liked and respected by everyone so when she was around me the insults from others stopped. It’s hard sticking up for someone when you risk becoming a target yourself; peer pressure is huge! We were neighbors for years and even when I moved out of the neighborhood she was still there for me; years never erased our friendship. There is so much I could say but I wouldn’t know where to begin or where to end. She brought stability, reassurance and a genuine caring spirit to a person who had none of those things.

In January 1983 a guy that none of us knew (a complete stranger) went roaming around the area that night, armed with a hammer he was looking for trouble. I have to imagine that he saw Kelly and her little sister through the basement window, how else would he know to go downstairs instead of up and on this night the back sliding glass door was left unlocked. Their brother Paul was asleep in the family room and he was the first target. He miraculously survived this attack although he was left permanently disfigured both in appearance and mentally. Then a sweet little innocent 12 year old girl, a girl that I can remember like it was yesterday, all of us applauding and cheering when she took her first steps – she lost her life in such a brutal way at the hands of a soulless person. Her large sparkly eyes and sweet smile were lost forever; I think the Heavens cried at that moment. My friend Kelly was attacked and taken; she was gone in the cold night – “where was she, how could this happen” – that’s all you thought over and over. Parents locked their windows and drilled their kids “Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against them…etc.” I left my window unlocked and cracked it a little, hoping that she would show up looking for help, hoping that I would be able to hear her cry out and get her out of harms way…it was pointless I know but hope was all I had. Kelly’s 17 year old tiny body was found 10 days later – The lives of everyone touched by these girls were forever changed.

In the eighties the death penalty wasn’t around and sentencing was way too light. The murderer received life in prison with the chance of parole after 15 years. 15 YEARS! 10 years ago the family gathered together in front of the parole board and re-lived a night that no parent should ever have to go through. A month after this meeting the girls father passed away from cancer; I think he stayed alive long enough to be the voice of his little girls. Another 10 years has passed and he’s up for parole again, this will go on until the day he dies. Who would ever want this person living next to them, it could become a reality someday.

On a side note…One of a thousand stories about her….Kelly, her brother and I snuck into a private pool where we took swimming lessons, the lessons were over and our teacher left. Kelly and Paul went back to the front of the house and I decided to stay in the pool a little longer but found myself in trouble pretty quick; lucky for me Kelly came back to check on me. She pulled me out of the pool and never flinched when I threw up what seemed like gallons of water on her. The three of us swore we’d never tell anyone about this for fear of getting into trouble; this is me breaking my vow – I don’t think they’ll mind. It would take years of swimming lessons for me to ever to learn how to swim.

timeline

2008-03-01T17:46:00.002-06:00

I’ve been thinking way too much lately; I’m starting to get frequent brain freezes because of the thoughts floating around! I’m trying to create the perfect time line for this whole divorce thing. Even though my husband makes about $1200.00 more than me a month we split the finances 50/50 while I’m still living at home – I did this to be nice and also I know any misery I have will please him (I’m all about the pleasing). He is making me pay him for my portion of the insurance which makes saving money a little hard for me - he frequently talks about allll the money he's been saving; I've been thinking about getting a part time job since I'm having trouble in that area. I made the mistake of telling him what the lawyer said about splitting our 401K's between us, to say he was pissed would be putting it mildly! He told me has such a huge 401 compared to mine and I shouldn't be able to touch it and if I do then we'll have a very messy divorce and won't be friends after it's over! I'm thinking "didn't I work and care for the kids while he went to college?"; we could never afford for me to attend any classes! I put off actually filing until I visited as many doctors as I could since my insurance will end once it's all finalized. I saw my OB/GYN on Friday and got the whole spiel again about my cystic boobs only this time she said I should talk to a surgeon about not only have biopsys done but removing all of the cyst! ARGH! I can't afford to do this plus the whole insurance thing.....I'm just making myself crazy! I'm tired of this whole thing, I should just walk away now but my mammo is set up for May 1st and I want to see what they say; although it doesn't really matter. Insurance should really be a priority in this country!

Emptiness

2008-02-17T15:23:00.005-06:00

A few weeks ago I got together with a group of cousins for a “pass the baby around and kiss it” day. The majority of my cousins are between the ages of 20 – 30 years old and they’re sprouting babies left and right. The three babies that were there were all first borns so their Mom’s had that pride beaming from their face with each coo and smile from their babies. This past Friday some of my older family members and I got together, when I got to my Aunts house she told me my Uncle had called saying he was taking his daughter and her baby to the hospital; the baby wasn’t breathing right. I truly believed that everything was going to be okay; this baby was just too cute and his Mom too proud for anything wrong to ever happen to them. We received another call a few hours later that they were on their way home from the hospital, the baby (4 months old) had passed away from S.I.D.S. They were on their way home to a house filled with baby things; a house where just hours earlier a healthy baby boy was put down for his nap. The weekend has been a very sad one, I can’t even being to imagine what my cousin is going through. I wish I had the words to console her; the courage to call her and tell her how sorry I am. I know I should think "Heaven has been blessed with a new little baby boy" but right now I just can't; his parents world has been shattered - their pain is beyond words.

Stormie Weather Ahead

2008-02-03T14:11:00.000-06:00

I stayed at my Mom’s last night with my oldest daughter. I woke to the beautiful sound of thunder; I’ve lived with the silence of snow falling for months so this was music to my ears. The only problem was when I went outside it wasn’t raining at all it was icing and I still had an hour round trip ahead of me driving my daughter back to Lawrence. But still….the thunder…it was wonderful! I love lazy weekend and late night thunderstorms, the louder the better! I’m one of those people who run outside with my camera when possible tornadoes are reported and you better believe that all my lights get turned off and all blinds opened during harsh lightening storms – it’s like my own private firework show. I’ve always thought I was bound to become a storm chaser, they offer classes here, but I just couldn’t imagine telling the kids to hunker down in the basement while I go chase down the tornado that threatens to blow us all away. I’ve only seen a tornado once (but I’ve lived through and drove through many) and the sight of it (even though it was very devastating) was one of most amazing things, it sent shivers through me. It wasn’t one of those monstrous, mile wide ones; it was long and skinny and moved like a ballet dancer. I’m a stormieweather type of person – hence the name :) I'm not sure which I like better though...storm or ghost chasing, I'll have to think about that one.

2008-01-13T17:19:00.000-06:00

I’m another step further into 40 today, what a crazy year I’ve had…it’s been one big endless emotion. I do see Botox in my future! My Brazilian sister-in-law’s birthday is 2 days after mine so we celebrated together. My Mom, who forgets that I speak English, took us both out to Skies rotating restaurant downtown. Little Mrs. Brazil and my brother will travel back to Brazil in June; it’ll be her first time to visit her family in two years. A part of me wonders if she’ll come back, usually anyone who enters my brothers life (children included) leave within the year. I never become too attached to anyone who’s involved with him (sadly, this included his children) but I’d hate to see Brazil go for good – even though it might be in her best interest. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

2008-01-05T12:31:00.001-06:00

Christmas came and went...New Years came and went...New Years Day sucked the life out of me! People should never ever live together while going through a separation, I'm a wimp and a little broke so it's a necessity. All I hear is "how can you break your childrens heart" (they don't know yet), "what is it about me that you hate" (he hasn't talked to me in over 10 years, he thinks that meant we were doing great). I don't hate anyone and I don't want to break my kids heart, I'm being selfish and for me personally...I still want to do this - I think I might be a bitch and that terrifies me! I'm almost done paying my medical bills and now I really need to concentrate on getting a lawyer, how does anyone afford one? I don't want to move out until I have something in writing that states that I'm not giving up my house. Today....I don't want to think about anything!

Happy 15th to my youngest, her birthday was on Dec. 30th and she wanted her party at Chuck E. Cheese - at least I didn't have 18 kids in my tiny house. This kid is a jewel, how can anyone think about breaking her heart!

Sicko

2007-12-16T11:09:00.000-06:00

My housemate said that he was going to drop me from his insurance, not sure if he can legally do that but if he drops me then there is no getting me back on. My boss is considering getting insurance at work so for the past week I’ve been meeting with different companies to see who would be the best fit for us. When I was meeting with the last agency I mentioned that if my boss decides he can’t afford to insurance for us that I would be very interested in purchasing an individual policy for myself. The girl told me it wouldn’t be a problem as long as I’ve had a squeaky-clean health record. When I told her that I had a P.E. she said I’m un-insurable for the next five years, that the insurance companies will make my rate so high that it’ll be impossible for me to afford it. She also said since my company is so small that my health history would raise the rate very high for the other employees, they’ll be penalized because of me. I’m still going to go ahead and have everyone fill out applications but I think once my boss sees our rates that he’ll forget the whole thing. I never would have thought that I’d classified as un-insurable, when the lady told me that I almost lost it – it’s still echoing through my head. My husband said he would keep me on…for now…as long as I re-pay him; it’s just one more medical bill to add to my already long list. There isn’t a lot I can do about any of this but come to the realization that soon I won’t have any coverage. Last night I rented Michael Moore’s movie Sicko and now I’m just pissed!

Super Glued

2007-12-09T15:37:00.000-06:00

I went to a Christmas program at my daughters’ church last night. It’s a huge production in the area that draws crowds in the thousands, this is a mega church that has an average weekend attendance of over 8,000 people. My daughter has been working during the production to earn money for their summer orchestra mission trip. During intermission I was talking to my daughter and her friends mother, they told me that before the musical one of the actors put some eye drops in her eyes before going on stage. It was dark back stage and as soon as the drops hit her eyes she realized that it wasn’t eye drops at all…it was super glue! My weird eye fears happened to someone! I have no clue what happened to this girl and I’m not really sure if I want any of the details. I’ve always had such a weird eye phobia so it was karma that my youngest daughter was born with eye problems. She had eye surgery when she was around 7 yrs old and the so called drops that I had to put in her eyes had the consistency of Vaseline. I would pin her down on the ground, holding her arms down with my legs, clasping her head still with one arm and hand and with the other hand I would try to put the salve in her eyes….all with my own eyes shut! So the thought of someone’s eyes super glued shut…I think I just gave birth to my stomach!

Pulmonary Embolism the end

2007-12-04T16:00:00.000-06:00

My daily friends and I are splitting up, I’ve dumped my beloved Coumadin and medical alert necklace.
It’s over! It’s been an experience, it was truly a coin toss that I survived the P.E. – I also believe it was fate. Too many little things happened in my favor the days leading up to my hospital stay. Things and people that saved my life. Sounds a little dramatic huh? Both my Pulmonary doctor and my General physician said I was lucky that I made it through the initial P.E. and that if I had gone home like I planned on doing instead of going to the doctors then I would not have made it. Soooo, I really think I was meant to go through this, to learn from it or something – not really sure what. In case years in the future someone stumbles on my site, someone desperately searching the internet for someone, anyone to talk to about P.E. my best advice would be to sign up at the DailyStrength website. I keep mentioning the website because it calmed my fears and made me feel less alone in all of this. It’s funny because you feel so lucky that you lived through this then the next week you’re so down, so depressed that this happened to you – you start to wonder why it happened and why you survived why, why, why and when will it come back. You’ll find out that you’re not alone with these feelings, they’re very normal and all those questions and concerns you have – no matter how embarrassing (you bleed easy so what are your periods going to be like?)…all you have to do is ask or read old discussions – trust me, after signing up - you’ll rest easier at night. The only thing I ask is when you’re done with the website let people know that you’ll be taking a break. It’s disturbing when people completely drop out of site, you count on everyone for information and hope and when people are suddenly gone we’re left to wonder what happened. As for the future, who knows. "Will it come back, will it take me if it does?" will always be in the back of my mind but it won’t dictate my life – a Mack truck could hit any one of us tomorrow but do we waste our time worrying about that?
My Co-Worker and I are going out to dinner to celebrate after work!

Casino Night

2007-11-30T11:32:00.001-06:00

I'm off to Topeka with my Mom tonight, she has a free night stay at a casiono there. My Mom loves to gamble yet I have a hard time wishing on a penny. I'm really hoping the quarter slots will pay off and I'm wondering just how long $50.00 worth of quarters will last me. Has any one every won big on quarter slots? After visiting my car mechanic today and being told last night that my husband is taking me off of his insurance I'm praying for a miracle. I hate being in debt yet here I go to the casino...I just don't understand myself!

New visitor

2007-11-20T10:20:00.001-06:00

I saw it today, I glanced in the mirror while changing and there is was…a lump on the top of my right breast. I’ve never noticed it before; how could I not notice this…did it just pop up overnight? Damn lump! Maybe it’s a cyst; I do have those nasty cystic boobs. Have cyst, take Yasmin for cyst, get blood clot, stop Yasmin, cyst came back…. I hope it’s a cyst… I was supposed to have my 6 month mammogram last month but I skipped it, the last thing I wanted to see was another medical bill. I called this morning and I’m scheduled for Monday at 1:15, I was hoping to get in by tomorrow. I’ll be thinking non-stop of this until then; I can’t calm my mind with lots of wine (not that I escape from things with the wine but sometimes it helps)….damn Coumadin….Dec. 4^th can’t come soon enough. Monday can’t come soon enough. I hate writing about medical stuff...I hate thinking about it too...

Bag Ladies Are People Too

2007-11-09T20:38:00.000-06:00

I found out a few weekends ago that newer apartments let you paint your space, no white walls! It was the most liberating thing I heard all weekend! That one little thing meant so much to me; I couldn’t bear the thought of living in a space with no color. I’ve owned my home for 17 years, every room is painted a different color – it’s very warm and friendly yet at the same time I hate my house. I wish I had the desire to be a home owner – isn’t that what everyone’s suppose to want? I wish I had the financial security to be an owner by myself just in case that desire rears it’s head. I wish I had more education too, maybe then I’ll stop worrying that I’m going to end up a bag lady living under a bridge, eating gum off the ground and singing show tunes for pennies.

I’ve worked since I was 14, my mom got me a job as a “runner” at the law firm she worked at. College wasn’t ever mentioned in my house, I was raised being told that only wealthy people go to college and we weren’t wealthy so I should just forget all that nonsense. After I graduated high school my Dad wanted me out of the house and my Mom wanted me to get married. I laugh now when I think of my family telling me I should marry my boyfriend because I might not ever get the chance again; that if I don’t marry this guy I’ll possibly lose the one and only “keeper” I’ll ever find – I was 18 at the time and within months I was engaged. This calmed my Dad, he let me stay at home with the promise that once I was married I would never be back – he would finally have the childless home that he always wanted. My Dad has what I guess you could call respect for me now; once I left that was it – I’ve never asked for anything from him and he loves that. I did what I was told – got married, had a kid, bought a house, had another kid, never stopped working….etc…. Selfishly speaking - I’m glad I’m not going to do what I’m “suppose” to do anymore. Although, I have to admit I'm scared.

I had my last P.E. Dr. visit and lab work on Wednesday - Dec. 4th is my last day of Coumadin! My doctor told me that "you should go out and live life to it's fullest, put this behind you and learn from it" - I love my doctor!

Decisions, Decisions

2007-10-28T11:31:00.000-06:00

I have one more month of being on Coumadin (warfarin), I’m still trying to decide how I feel about that; I don’t like being on it but I feel very safe while taking it. I found out that the pleurisy I’ve been feeling for years wasn’t pleurisy at all, it was the blood clot. My doctor said that if you truly have pleurisy you’ll only get it once or twice not every month for years. That means the Yasmin didn’t cause the blood clot, it just made it too big too fast so now I’m wondering what did cause it. Once I stop my meds I’ll have the option of being tested for a genetic blood disease. If I test positive I could possibly be refused life/health insurance in the future and also I’ll be on Coumadin for life; surprisingly my doctor said he would rather I NOT get test because of this.

My husband and I talked some more, I dread these talks! He said he’s thinking about keeping the house for 3 more years then selling it, at that time we would split the profit between us. On one hand I like this because my kids would feel a little more stable but on the other hand I think my daughter would live with him. What kid wants to move out of her own room and into an apartment? It also means I would be the one moving out – the bad guy (which I guess fits). How can I move out and take some furniture, appliances and pictures off the wall when my kid is still (possibly) living there? We both want her to live with us, she’s old enough to decide for herself and I’m afraid of what her decision will be. If this is the route that we decide on then I’ll still stay until the summer so I can get my medical bills paid off. I hope she lives with me, I hope she lives with me, I hope….

Into the Kansas Wild

2007-10-13T17:05:00.000-05:00

Everything seems odd to me anymore. I hate going home, it’s truly just a very dark cloud. I spend my time in front of the tv watching pointless shows, I couldn’t even tell you what they’re about, I look at the screen but my mind isn’t there at all. My mind is too full yet empty at the same time. I wonder if I’ve lost it. I especially hate weekends, I try to spend as much time away as I can. I'm lucky that my relatives have let me invade on their family time, although it makes me feel like an extra in a play - Like I'm just taking up space watching the lead characters perform and acting according to them. I don't know it's kind of like watching others go about living and just waiting for my turn.

Last weekend we watched "Into The Wild", I really liked the movie but I know my husband was thinking "see what happens when people divorce". The first part was about how the kid felt his parents impending divorce and general family life traumatized him. It set him on his path into the wilderness of Alaska where he met his untimely death. Now all I think about is "Where in the wild are my kids going to go?". I hate the cold and I'm not in the mood to trek out in the snow to drag their butts home. Now if they decide Hawaii is a good place for them to escape their screwed up parents then I have no problem, I just might join them.

Sunday Drive Bys

2007-09-30T00:29:00.000-05:00

I've been spending my Sundays doing drive bys at apartments and townhomes - Nope, I haven't shot anyone yet. I talked to a relator at a townhome last Sunday and I decided that I'm definitely not going to buy anything once I move out, just rent. Buying seems too permanent since I only want to live in this town until my daughter graduates, after that I'm out of here even if it means moving just a town away. I've started a spreadsheet of apartments with columns such as: Pros, Cons, 1st impressions, what people say at apartmentratings.com etc..., Yeah, planning a little bit in advance - but I like to know what I'm getting into. When driving around if I spot a group of shirtless men passing a bottle around while working on their tire-less car I can pretty much scratch that apartment off - safety is my main priority. I've narrowed it down to two apartments. One is in the middle of a large, busy shopping district - it screams that life is happening here. The other is tucked away in a quite neighborhood - it softly said that everyone is sleeping. I think I'll choose to live now and sleep later.

Pulmonary Embolism - part 2

2007-09-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

My youngest brother called me out of the blue a few months ago, he said he sensed something was wrong. How strange is that, especially since it’s been 5 year since we last talked! This is the brother that found us when I was in my early 20’s; I talked about his/my discovery in all my "grandma's attic" post. We didn’t grow up together or really ever get the chance to form a deep brother/sister bond but I still feel very fortunate to have him in my life, it’s a connection that means the world to me.

I found a support group on line, it’s for everything and anything. I joined to find other people who had a Pulmonary Embolism and lung infarction, to compare notes. I’ve talked to some people who are going through what I am but the people who really touched me are the ones dealing with other problems. I read one post from a girl who is suffering from some major medical problems and she wrote that she no longer sees the point in living anymore, talk about heart breaking. There is also a kid in his early 20’s whose girlfriend just left him and his post read like a sad song, they’re so raw and painful that, even though it’s hard to hear how broken he is, I find his writing beautiful. The site is called "Daily Strength", it's for anything and everything. Also, Stories like this turns my blood cold:

Former 8th District Congresswoman Jennifer Dunn died suddenly Wednesday, Sept. 5, after suffering a pulmonary embolism at her home in Alexandria, Va. Dunn collapsed late Tuesday night. She was transported to a nearby hospital, but never regained consciousness. She was 66. Dunn is survived by her husband, Keith Thomson; two sons, Bryant Dunn and Reagan Dunn; stepson, Angus Thomson; and two grandchildren

I'll be off my Coumadin (aka rat poison) at the end of November - I'm scared as hell. Will the P.E. come back? After you've had one you're at a higher risk for having another and the chances of it being fatal go up. I've had what I thought was pleurisy for years. When the P.E. started it felt just like pleurisy but got increasingly worse then the whole not being able to breath started etc.... I'm thinking maybe I should have waited for the whole "I'm leaving you" episode. We all have one life to live though so we better make it good.

It's almost over

2007-08-19T17:19:00.000-05:00

It’s been forever since I’ve updated. My brain has been fried, over-loaded just plain taking a break, thinking anymore is too exhausting! My husband and I had a “talk” a couple of weeks ago, the kind of talk that ends up with someone getting hurt. I’ve been ready to go my own way for at least 10 years if not longer, I’ve always stayed for the kids, yet when this is all said and done the kids will probably resent me along with the majority of our family members. Want can I say? How can I live the rest of my life with someone that I don’t love just to please those around me? Call it selfish if you want, but my resentment of staying with him would only grow stronger as the years go by. For the last 15 years he hasn’t talked to me, now every night he wants to “talk”, he’s my shadow now – going to sleep when I do, watching the same shows that I do, going outside when I do etc…he’s suffocating me. I told him I originally wasn’t going to say anything until our youngest graduated in 4 years. Now that it’s out in the open I’m ready to get this thing going yet he wants to sell our house and all of us get an apartment together – this is not moving forward to me!!!! He said “well, you were going to wait 4 years anyways”, it’s just prolonging the inevitable to me. Worrying about telling everyone will be on my mind constantly until we do this, I don’t want to live with this on my mind for 4 more years. I’m in a constant state of worry and sadness, my husband is a good guy, he’s just been emotionally detached from me since I can remember – it’s been a very lonely marriage. People go through divorce all the time but for some reason I feel like I’m the only one who has ever done this before – like the bad guy. I dread going home now, I can’t talk on the phone without him there let alone get on the computer he wants to be COMPLETELY in my life and I just can’t breath!

Are We Chasing Life?

2007-07-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

I had this post saved and meant to publish it but then the whole blood clot in the lung thing happened. As I read it now I find it rather ironic

A very thought provoking article written by Arvind Katoch

It is not possible for an ordinary man to chase and leave behind life. Life is a change, which is changing every moment. If we start chasing one form of life then soon it will get changed into some other and upgraded form. Here is the catch; we are trying to chase a thing which is not constant or following one principle. For winning this battle with life we are required to make changes in our self only. We are required to adjust our own priorities of life and choose our directions for life, otherwise we will be get trapped into this unending chase of life and die as a chaser.

Hillbilly Wedding

2007-06-22T19:44:00.000-05:00

My trip deep in the hills of Arkansas was truly a wild cultural experience! What with all the missing teeth, guns and stories of unlawful things! I kept telling everyone (even the missing teeth people) that they should hold on to their teeth because once you hit the Arkansas border teeth just seem to fall out of your mouth. The funny thing is....my Dad's front tooth fell out while canoeing down the river. For no reason, it just feel out! He fit right in!

They call this Eatin Drunk Chicken

This guy hasn't been to town in 4 years!

The groom - he NEVER wears a shirt and instead of talking he gruts

He wildly waved a gun around while drunk and chased off our cool camerman because the guy talked to us too much. You DON'T mess with these guys!

This banjo player (the grooms dad) has played with Porter Wagoner and Willie Nelson.

The shirless groom is playing the spoons and the guy in white is playing the harmonica

Our hillbilly bride

No limos here!

My Dad is hiding his tooth.

I'm keeping my mouth shut! She was a very nice lady, if she would just not hang her underwear on the tree.

My Arkansas express mates.

Big baby

2007-06-10T18:38:00.000-05:00

Since the Pulmonary Embolism episode I’ve been pretty down and out. I’ve had to stop my Yasmin indefinitely; I can’t take Estrogen for the rest of my life. It might not seem like a big deal but I started taking the Yasmin to see if it would help clear up the cysts in my breast. I fail my mammogram every year so I always have to get a second one then have a sonogram. My Gynecologist said I should come in every six months for a mammo but if the Yasmin worked in clearing up the cysts then I could go back to once a year. The Yasmin was working, it also cleared up my acne – I hate that I have to give it up. I was also going through some vein treatments on my leg, which has to stop also. So veiny legs and cysty boobs are now and forever mine. I know it seems like nothing but it’s really something to me, just giving up things that I was trying to accomplish for myself -–to make me feel better about me - brings me down. By looking at me you would never know what happened or the pain I went through; I’ve lost some weight but other than that I look pretty normal. You would never know that I’ve been coughing up blood for two days or that this little invader in my lungs will shot pain through me when I least expect it or that the drug Coumadin and sunburns don’t mix. I get tired just walking around the block, fatigue is present all the time – I’m hoping this improves quickly. I’m going on a trip in 3 days and was looking forward to roughing it and wine toasting to everyone I saw. It’s not that I drink very much but the fact that I can’t drink at all now and I can’t do anything that could possible cause bodily harm just irritates me. I should view every day as a day that I’m lucky to see but I’m just too tired to look at it that way. I’m very stubborn and don’t like anything restraining me from doing what I want to do; is this God’s way of waking me up, maybe a warning that I should change my ways.

Pulmonary Embolism

2007-06-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

I have a new addition to my household, once the bills arrive I’m sure I’ll see that this new addition is equal to a couple of college tuitions. My new addition, who we’ll call Albert, takes the form of a blood clot (Pulmonary Embolism) that was found in my lung on Thursday. My 41 year old body is officially that of an old, old woman. I was the only person under 60 in the critical care unit at the hospital, which was quite the event for the nurses. I’ll be on the potent drug Coumadin for six months and the self-administered shot Lovenox for 5 more days. When I tell people what drug I’m taking their usual response is “My Dad’s on that medicine” or “My Great Grandma’s taking that”. I even have to wear a medical alert bracelet; my daughter said she was going to get me a life alert button and depends just to complete the look. It’s been a rough 6 days, I’m still pretty sore – I had a couple of “lung attacks” (P.E. feels like a heart attack) which caused damage to my left lung due to the lack of oxygen. I’ve been joking about it but in reality it was scary, I just didn’t show my fear because I didn’t want it to spread to others. It was scary being alone in a long empty corridor, unable to breathe and not a soul in sight. It was scary being admitted to my room and the first line of the brochure that they place on everyone’s bed states “…long hospital stays can cause blood clots in the leg that can travel to the lung, which can be fatal…”. It’s scary knowing that little Albert is still there and not knowing where he could possibly travel next. For the next 6 months, until I finish my Coumadin, I’ll live with a daily reminder of what almost happened.

Go play kids

2007-05-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those nights that started off so normal but somewhere along the way the unexpected happened? Well, that sort of night is very typical for my family, strangeness is attracted to us. Friday night I went to my Aunt’s house for a barbecue, we had about 6 women over and a slew of kids. We were all sitting around out front watching my Aunt lay out about 20 bratwurst and 15 hot dogs on the grill and we just got the coffee pot started for what was to be a long not of reminiscing. I have to cringe at that because there are just some things I’d rather keep buried. I don’t want to try to figure out and somehow fix a past that has already happened. No matter how much you discuss things you’re never going to reach a satisfactory conclusion; some of the past makes me physically sick to my stomach. So, while we’re all talking about your typical daily stuff some of the kids run up to us to tell us that my 11-year-old cousin is stuck in the baby swing out back. We all start laughing at the thought of this and go around to see what’s going on. Sure enough, there she is stuck in the thick, flexible rubber baby swing and there is no getting her out. Her legs started swelling around the rubber and no amount of pushing and pulling was going to free her, she was also in a lot of pain. Someone called 911 and they told us not to even try cutting her free because we could accidentally cut her in the process (she was wedged in there tight). The operator said she’d send someone over and we immediately heard the sirens – a lot of sirens! I’m one to shy away from attention and any sort of drama so when I had to stand out front and direct the paramedics, fire department and police officers (about 10 in all) to the scene of the wedging I was really hoping they’d just run me over. By this time we had everyone in the complex gathering around the playground all wondering what tragic accident just occurred on the playground to which all the kids gleefully responded as loud as they could “she’s stuck in the baby swing”. It took the fire department, who were all very fine examples of our public service department, about 10 minutes to free her. When they pulled her out, cheers and clapping exploded from the hordes of people surrounding us and my very embarrassed little cousin was sent on her way. Someone took pictures with their phone, how can anyone expect me to pass up pictures!?

Arty Cars

2007-05-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

I spent the day in Lawrence last Saturday; I went with my friend to watch the Art Tougeau parade. After the parade we had lunch at a little Korean dive with the former Mayor and his girlfriend then we hung out at the girlfriends’ house. People jokingly call me a hippie but no…I spent the afternoon with your true blue dumpster diving, nature loving, shaver hating hippies. They were really the nicest people; I was very intrigued by their lifestyle and really wanted to talk to them for a while but unfortunately my brain shuts down everyday around 4:00 and won’t recover until morning so trying to hold a conversation with me next to impossible. Is this age? I didn’t used to be like this. I would have loved to hang out on their porch amongst all the tall weeds and grass that must never be mowed (it is nature after all) but my brain shut down, I can actually feel this happening – it’s not a pleasant feeling. My friend, the hippies and I have decided to decorate a car for the Art Tougeau parade next year; secretly - this is really just an excuse for me to hang with the hippies.

The Global Warmers

Bottle cap Car

Painful Pedaling

Junk in the Trunk

Furry Limo

May

2007-05-08T19:58:00.000-05:00

The school year is coming to a close which means I’m almost done paying dorm fees for a room that no one is staying in. I could have purchased a brand new face plus accessories for the price of that room. My youngest is getting prepared for her annual 10-day band tour that starts the first week of June. But in the mean time she’s played at the Royals game, an amusement park and next week the T-Bones plus she’s had 3 concerts. I can’t keep track of her schedule at all. The kid is so self-sufficient she’s pretty much raising herself. I’m only here to wash her underwear – which she really appreciates by the way. When she’s gone, what will I do - I’m going to Mt. Ida, Arkansas. Pull up a chair my dear empty internet space and let me tell you about MY trip. My Aunt, the drunken hillbilly, is getting married in Mt. Ida where she lives amongst all Gods creatures and ticks. They are killing a pig the day before the wedding and cooking it the day of; exactly how long does it take to cook a whole pig? The music will be my future Uncle playing the spoons and his dad playing his banjo (he used to play with Dolly Parton when she first started) and various friends playing various corn cob instruments. We’re staying at cabins that are meant for hunters and fishermen. There’s no plumbing what so ever, no electricity or anything else – so we’re really camping but sleeping in a woodpile (with ticks). My Uncle told me “each cabin has it’s own canoe and the day of the wedding we’ll all hope in our canoe and make a procession down the river to the wedding”. How can anyone not want to attend this wedding? My camera and I can’t wait!

Because I'm too lazy to post

2007-05-05T15:55:00.000-05:00

My little twin cousins - One set of twins out of 6

My Aunts and cousins

Me and yet another cousin - I helped name this one - Jaci

Me, Jess and Mo

People Watching

2007-04-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

I spent Saturday evening walking around downtown Lawrence with my kids. I love college towns, the old buildings, homes and restaurants. The architect is beautiful and the atmosphere is even better. The mix of people walking around, kids playing various instruments looking for extra change, protesters begging for people to please, please just honk for hemp and college kids dressed in every sort of attire possible. I’m glad my daughter is living there, experiencing things other than the repetitiousness of home. The sameness of life can sometimes get a chock hold on people. It would be great to re-invent ourselves, just break away from the labels that others have put on us that we find ourselves living by. I wish I would have had the college experience but I wonder if I would have embraced it then as I know I would now. If I were a guy right now I’m pretty sure I’d be driving around in my convertible hoping my toupee didn’t blow away.

Full of questions

2007-04-17T14:51:00.000-05:00

My daughter was a little upset that her boyfriend, the atheist, had to work on Easter. “What work place would make someone come in on Easter” she wondered. I’m wondering what atheist really cares about this? Did I not teach my daughter anything? Didn’t I take her to see Michael W. Smith? After listening to him sing “Open The Eyes Of My Heart” how can anyone be an atheist? I should have been diligent with my kids regarding religion but I thought, “we’ll just let them decide for themselves”, what a bad idea! I didn’t know religion until I was 10 and my brother was 13, that’s when my Mom discovered she was raising little hellions – Actually my brother was the hellion I was just the follower – and put us in Catholic school. I’m glad I’m not the only mother with bad ideas! My poor Mom, she was so proud when her son “made” alter boy; her dreams were soon dashed when months later not only was he never allowed to be an alter boy again but he was kicked out of school. Alter boys should never, ever, ever drink the preachers’ wine and tease their sister with it through the stained glass window. During this time my family produced Born Again Christians, Atheists, and Christians who preached while destroying brain cells, they also sold pot for Jesus – I always thought that would make a great bumper sticker. My view on religion became very skewed, I didn’t know what was right, there was just too many Heaven and Hell issues flying all around me. I was pretty sure that the earth was going to open up at any second, swallow me hole and just get er done. So now, as an adult, I have my own religion, who knows if it’s right or wrong. I’ll always seek Heaven, my daughter is seeking world peace and my Mom is still seeking that elusive dream family that will never be produced (no apologies here). Back to Michael W. Smith - seriously…how can that song not move you? Can't we just re-think this whole atheist thing?

Girl Meets Squirrel

2007-04-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

A story just begging to be told:

Years and years ago my Aunt, the pet pedophile, was driving down the street enjoying a nice relaxing day with Miss Sunny who was about 2 yrs. old at the time and who was strapped safely in her car seat in the back. Much to my Aunts horror she spotted a half-dead squirrel in the middle of the street. She was right down the street from the vet’s so she did what she considers a very sane and humane thing to do, she stopped the car and picked the vermin up!! Who else but a true pet pedophile would do this? She put the hurt rodent in her car and as she drove off the thing immediately freaked out on her and went jumping and running all over the inside of her car while little Miss Sunny, who might as well been trapped in a straight jacket stuck in her car seat like she was, did her own freak out. My Aunt managed to pull into the vet’s parking lot while this thing flew all over the inside of her car. She jumped from the car and grabbed the squirrel, which promptly wrapped itself around her arm and sank its very sharp and nasty teeth into her finger. She couldn’t get it to let go so she proceeded to pound it’s head onto the paved parking lot (she said she pounded very gently but I’m not buying it), the people in the vet’s office witnessed the whole thing and ran out and rescued my aunt. The squirrel….it died. The moral of this story… When you see a hurt squirrel in the street, don’t go all Superman on us, just run the damn thing over and consider it an act of mercy

Family Portrait

2007-03-31T22:13:00.000-06:00

Have you seen something from someone else’s past that is so normal yet it was missing from your own? You just didn’t realize it was missing until it was brought to your attention. I see that more and more lately. The fact that these “normal” things were missing from my past really don’t bother me at all, it just makes me think some. I look at all my cousins’ lives and I can’t help but think “we did it!” My Grandma had 9 nine kids (6 are within 2 to 10 yrs of my age, we grew up together) and 34 grandkids – that’s a lot of cousins. Almost every single one grew up in some sort of poverty, violence, chemical dependency and emotional and physical abandonment yet as adults the majority of these cousins lead very successful and happy lives. Maybe we all learned from our past - how not to be. I do know that some are still dealing with the past and considering everything they’ve been through they’re doing a great job; they try so hard to maintain “normalcy” for their kids. I really admire and love my cousins and wouldn’t trade them for world. I think the only way to really appreciate something is when you work and work for it – only then can you be proud of what you accomplished all by yourself. We lived and learned; hopefully we passed this onto our kids. One of my cousins reminded me that when we were younger I always told her that she was my favorite and how special that made her feel. She said “in life everyone wants to be someone’s favorite” - how true that is - always and forever.

Never satisfied

2007-03-18T13:27:00.000-06:00

I have a new destination that I’ve been thinking about – Tasmania. I read an article in the paper about it and now that’s all I can dream about. My dreams are always the possibility of what I might be able to do when I finally (if ever) release the chains that have bound me my whole life. When I’m able to answer to no one and live for myself. That sounds nice but the reality is money and also the whole accountability factor; if you have no one to be accountable to you can find yourself sinking fast. My dreams keep me looking forward with anticipation, without them I’d have to face the fact that life was wasted on me. Forever the stable one, I always did what was right according to others – I lived how they thought I should. When my brother was 15 he became a ward of the state and was removed from our house. His probation officer told my mom that the slightest hint of trouble regarding me would result in me also being removed. So out the window went any sort of “troubled youth” for me – damn brother. Placing blame is the only good thing about brothers, too bad I didn’t know my other brother existed until I was an adult, I’m sure I could blame my introverted ways on him. Anyways back to me, me, me - I had to make sure I was “good” and “accountable”, if I screwed up I would only hurt my future stable life and according to some – I’d wind up in jail or hell – and I’d have no help getting out of either one. I wish I would have thrown caution to the wind and said “screw it” to everyone, let me live how I want to; but messing up my future or having people think badly of me was my biggest fear - I was and still can be very ignorant. I’m grateful for what I have and where I’ve been; I never would have met the most amazing people had caution not been used. Yet still, as an adult the fleeting feelings come crashing at me all the time. I start plotting, planning, dreaming - reality and dreams merge. I should stop and just enjoy what I have. Will I ever learn this lesson? Until I stop dreaming about the future I guess the lesson will be lost on me.

My theme song lately by Augustana:
Boston
I Think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name…
Think I'll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain…
I Think that I'm just tired
I Think I need a new town…
To leave this all behind
I Think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset

Music to my ears

2007-03-07T21:00:00.000-06:00

I live my life to the sound of music. Every song I love is a stepping stone to my past and current life; I’ll find a song that reminds me of something or someone and it’s tied for eternity to that person or event. I obsess over the song, listen to it over and over until I can’t take it anymore then I’ll move onto another. I must admit I get worried about this because, what if other people do this exact same thing – about me!? How many people are listening to “The Bitch is back” and thinking of me – holy crap! I’m famous for burning my bridges, but never again! Throughout out my life I’ve met the most incredible people. I never realized how much some of these people meant to me until they were gone. I really took them for granted, assuming that they’d be around forever, yet when they moved on I lost touch. I didn’t go to ends of the earth to stay in contact with them, in some cases I just turned away and let them go. You would have thought I’d learned my lesson about letting people know how much I cherish them after burying my best friend at 17, after an argument that we never resolved. I’ve been on a quest lately looking for 2 friends that I lost touch with years ago. I really just need to hear their voices, know that they’re okay. On a more selfish level, they knew me best yet some how still liked me. Too bad they weren’t internet ho's then they’d just be a google search away

My Night Out

2007-02-25T15:18:00.000-06:00

I went out with my cousin on Saturday night. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been out so I was really looking forward to it. My cousin has been having a hard time since the first part of January; her life has seriously been a string of unfortunate events. So, out to dinner and few drinks we go – which was very long over due. Now I’m not too sure how this evening turned into what it did; all I did was say “watch my purse while I go to the bathroom”, that one little event completely turned our night around. Somehow our innocent bonding over drinks turned into the craziest night that I’ve ever had in my adult life. I learned that unless you want to experience the bar scene in a whole new way, don’t go to the bathroom by yourself. I would further expound on the experience but I’m trying to do my part in keep the blog world clean. Oh, forget that, the night involved 2 strippers, 5 girls who became our best friends by the end of the night, dancing on a bar in front of hundreds of drunk people and congo line dancing with the elderly. I really have no idea how this bizarre string of circumstances happened, all I wanted to do was go to the bathroom.

The Pet Pedophile

2007-02-20T19:19:00.000-06:00

My aunt the pet pedophile came over on Valentines day, we’re romantic like that at my house. Be sure and hide your pets when she comes over, she is all over those dogs. I think it’s a little disgusting what with all the pet dander flying everywhere and licking going on. She says this is the only affection she gets so this is what she’ll take. The only intimacy she had with anyone after her husband passed away was with a guy nicknamed “Dog”. If that’s not an indicator of what to expect then I don’t know what is. I would usually say that what I consider sexy my aunt considers gross but I have to agree with her that nothing kills a moment like when the guy kisses your neck and his false teeth slip. All you can think of is his teeth coming completely out of his mouth, clamped on your neck, “I think these belong to you”. My aunt said she’d rather cuddle and kiss on the real dogs than do the tongue slipping and teeth clicking with the other dog. I’m thinking about taking my Aunt to Priscilla’s when I told her this she asked “What’s Priscilla’s” , after laughing about this for a while I thought of all the new doors that could open for her. Actually, I really thought about how incredibly embarrassed she’s going to be when I take her there, I can’t wait. I have a feeling that she’s going to be praying for my soul after this.

Now listening to...

2007-02-10T03:44:00.000-06:00

Break Your Heart by Natalie Merchant

I had trouble with insomnia a couple of years ago, during those nights my mind wouldn’t turn off – I would obsesses over the smallest and darkest of things. I seriously drove myself crazy but now that it’s started again I have ammunition in the form of my I-Pod. It’s the best cure for drowning out your thoughts plus I know all the words to at least 56 songs and I can pretty much recite every song from The Phantom of the Opera. I’ve never seen the movie but I saw the play twice, I would have picked the Phantom over Raul hands down. Since I’m tone deaf and no one wants me strike them dead just by opening my mouth I’ll keep my voice to myself, no singing going on here. You’d think I'd spend my awake time more wisely like learning how to play the piano, learn Portugese or watch re-runs of My So Called Life but no, instead, that shadow dancing you see through the window – that’s me. Yeah, I know, I can’t dance either.
I remember reading about a family who suffered from a hereditary disease that caused them to never fall into R.E.M. sleep. After years of this they would eventually die, autopsies showed that their brains were littered with holes. This thought isn’t making my whole insomnia thing any better, I can literally feel holes popping in my brain. My I-Pod needs to finish charging so I can escape from my cheese head.

Mardi Gras: Made in China

2007-02-06T23:40:00.000-06:00

I recorded the documentary Mardi Gras: Made in China from the Sundance channel and finally got around to watching it. It’s about the sweat shops in china; I'll never look at Mardi Gras beads the same way again. Of course that’s a double edge sword because if we don’t want them then the people who make them would be out their .10 cents an hour ($62.00/month).
When my youngest child was little, after the whole Tiananmen Square demonstration, we decided not to purchase anything that was made in China. Do you know how hard that is? We tried but our very meager protest lasted all of 2 months. I now work for a company whose new product line is manufactured in China. From what I hear the manufacturing plant has an all male work force that lives on the campus, just like they do in the documentary. I would love to know what the actual over-head cost is compared to the selling price; I know there is no way that our machines could be manufactured anywhere else and still turn a profit. For the people in China working in these plants this is their day, week, month and life – hard work for pennies – no way out. I feel fortunate yet guilty that if I wanted to, at this very second, I could alter my choices in life without financially devastating my family. I have nothing to offer to help the work situation for the less fortunate in China, no big suggestion or world altering solution only awareness – a lot of good that does. The only thing I have to offer is my guilt – which I’m a pro at - I carry guilt around like a third arm smacking anything in my way.

Empty spaces and cute faces

2007-01-31T19:52:00.000-06:00

I have a small house, 3 bedrooms and yes, only ONE bathroom! The rooms that have been changed the most are my children’s; it seems as though I’m redecorating them every 3 years. When the kids turned around 10 years old I gave them free range on their rooms and even though I was usually leery on their choices the rooms always turned out great. Their rooms have always had a calming effect on me, they’re magical. Those four walls have been privy to 17 years of laughter, heartbreak, tears, time-outs and elation. On Dec. 29th my 18 year old moved into her own apartment and her room feel silent. The house is a little too quiet, it had to happen some time but I wish it was a little later. Also, I still have to pay dorm fees until May. That’s around $4000.00 total out of my very empty pockets, at this rate I won’t see retirement until I’m around 85. It’s been a year of emotional changes and I can honestly say that the thing I’m most thankful for this year is L’oreal Excellence hair color and the best wrinkle remover ever – Photoshop, nothing beats the clone and smudge tool.

Shandi's empty room

But wait a minute, let's pause from all the "she's gone" blubbering and think of the better things in this world like...

John Krasinski of The Office

could there be any more cuteness in the world...

Okay, I feel much better now!

My body parts are falling off with all this worrying

2007-01-25T19:43:00.000-06:00

I’m spending the weekend with 6 teenage girls, I’m really worried about loosing my sanity. The one good thing is if I lose it (my sanity) then the worries go right along with it.

Leann my fellow wanderer in life, has been put out of her roommate’s house. She’s been looking for some place to call home since she moved back from Alaska while also been putting in long hours at work. This woman deserves a break already! I’ll be pulling my hair out strand by strand (this could be a good thing, my hair's a little scary) waiting to hear where she is – I hope it’s someplace that she’s comfortable and happy with.

My cousin – Her best friend and the friends 14 year old son died in a car wreck a couple of weeks ago and this past Monday her son was hospitalized for a drug overdose. It’s going to take a lot more than a bottle of wine and Barry Manilow to help out with this one.

No worries in Australia though - Happy Austalian day!

My worries for Wednesday

2007-01-24T20:12:00.000-06:00

My cousin Tuesday will be leaving on another one of her adventures soon. I’m actually more excited than worried but since worrying is a way of life for me I have to find something in this scenario to obsess about so for Tuesday my worry is the same as it always is…her safety. Don’t even get me started about the dark corners my mind takes me where Tuesday is concerned. She called last night while she was walking home, by herself, in the evening and she had 2 miles to go. All I could think of was RUN – FAST! If anything happens to her, especially overseas who would I call?

The guy I work with is grappling over if he should stay or quit. The things mulling around in his head mirrors my own; the question “should I stay or should I go”. I’m never satisfied, always looking for something better only to find out that the better thing isn’t really what I wanted. I wish I had just the right answer for him but I’ve got nothing. All I can say is if he leaves not only is our best employee gone but also a good friend. Work wouldn’t be the same without him; I think I need to worry about this a little more, maybe I’ll come up with something.

Things I've heard lately:

2007-01-19T22:53:00.000-06:00

"It's a good thing I've got a scraper in my boot" - How and where and doesn't that hurt?

"For lunch I ate my chili and got gas" - I'm glad she gleefully told everyone in the office this but I'm having a small anxiety attack since I am the one sharing her office.

He e-mailed me that I'm an Antichrist but I assured him that I haven't planted any i.d. tags into any ones body lately and I haven't signed off on the one world order although I think I might have broken a couple of the 10 commandments - It's anarchist, not that I plan on over throwing the government any time soon.

She asked my boss "I'm going to have a three way with the computer guy, do you know how to do that?" (telephone) - I really think he was thinking about joining in, he does have that porn problem.

My Mother was practicing her Portuguese and asked Brazil if she'd like some hot trash. - it's leite (milk) not lixo (trash) although they do sound alike. Or maybe my Mom was talking about hiring a porn star, I really don't know.

At dinner tonight Hemingway asked Brazil his favorite question in Portuguese "do you wanna faca (knife) - pronounced f*@k. We all suffered whip lash and I think my Mom passed a gall stone.

I've also decided that I'm never having my picture taken ever again, the world has seen enough sorrow - I'm so over it all!

A lot of You Tube linking going on

2007-01-09T21:45:00.000-06:00

There is a wide assortment of music playing constantly in my house and much to my kids’ disdain I really like most of their music – well, except for Hawthorne Heights. Why is it if I barely speak above a whisper to correct someone I get "stop yelling at me!"? Yet my youngest listens to a band that not only yells but they scream until it sounds like they’re either puking or convulsing – this is what happens when you have parents that really yell at you. Me, I quietly and politely ask except for the other day when I did some frickin and frackin but it was just a little and really it was all my pet rocks fault – as usual. If it weren’t for my kids I wouldn’t know anything about Jimmy Eat World (ignore the video) or how fun it is to paint a room to the sounds of The Rocket Summer. My daughter set aside her Hawthorne Heights to listen to Regina Spektor and I was immediately hooked. My favorite song is On The Radio, I’m not sure what the chorus has to do with anything but, really, that’s part of the reason why I like it so much. I really like this guy’s rendition of Samson. He has a great voice, I never considered a guy singing this song but he makes it work. Although nothing compare's to the real thing - Samson

Why can’t I think of lyrics like this?:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breath
until their dying breath…...

Regina Spekor - On The Radio

I wonder what else I can link to...

New Years with the Ghost

2007-01-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

On New Years Eve I took the fart machine back to it’s rightful owners, my parents. The machine was quiet at my house but as soon as I sat it down in my parent’s kitchen it went off. My Uncle said maybe the batteries are going low – nope, I put fresh ones in; it could be a neighbors garage door opener setting it off – I don’t think so because the remote only works within a 15 foot range. My Uncle thought I was crazy but even he didn’t have an answer when he witnessed it going off sporadically about 5 times that night. The true test came for me when I had to sleep BY MYSELF on the couch in the living room, right next to the door that goes into the basement. I tried to act all cool; no worries here but I was actually shaking in my nappies. We went to bed around 2:30 am and I found out that it’s impossible to go to sleep when putting all my energy in plugging my ears. There was no way that I wanted to hear anything otherworldly when I’m by myself. I heard noises in the kitchen but I can’t say for sure if it was the ghost since I don’t know the usual nightly noises in the house. BUT, I did hear the bathroom door in the basement shut, it didn’t slam but it shut loud enough for my bladder to kick in. It took me about a half an hour to get up the courage to go down the hall, that seemed at the moment a mile long, to go to the bathroom. All I could think of was what if the door to the basement is open when I go back to the couch! What then? My bladder wouldn’t let me wait and thankfully the door was shut when I came back. I have no idea when I finally feel asleep but I did wake up around 6:30 to the sound of the fart machine going off in my parents bedroom (I made them take it in with them). I’ll never stay the night alone there again. I dragged my half dead body home and watched the Sundance channel all day. What a pick me up, watching shows that make me feel like the spoiled, self absorbed, taking life for granted person that I am! I really need to do something about that, maybe appreciating what I’ve got more. I really liked two of the documentaries “The Boy Who Plays on the Buddhas of Bamiyan“ and “Arna’s Children “ but I didn’t care for “Condo Painting”. I think his cartoon artwork is scarier than hell, they remind me of the velvet Satan clown that hung in my doctors’ waiting room when I was little. Well, that was my New Years. Next year I’m going to stay home by myself and watch movies all night or maybe, just maybe I’ll book a room at the Stanley Hotel.

Ghost in the house

2006-12-31T16:30:00.000-06:00

I think my parent’s house is haunted. They just moved in last October so they’re basically screwed and going to have to suck it up and live with a ghost who insists that the toilet seats be kept down and the toilet always flushed. People say that I think every house is haunted but seriously, it’s haunted. It’s just a little haunted not full out poltergeist attempting to kill the mortals kind of haunted. My only experience was about 6 months ago….My band player and I were in the family room/ basement of my parents house cleaning for Hemingway and Brazils wedding reception. Of course they’ve been married almost a year so really we should have had an anniversary party but that’s beside the point and has nothing to do with the haunting. Here’s the set up: In my parent’s basement, really ugly bi-focal doors divide the family room and storage area. The band player was cleaning the slats in the ugly doors on the basement side and asked my to lock the door because they kept opening every time she applied pressure so I obliged and locked the door. If my life was a movie this is the part where the audience would yell “what are you thinking, nothing good comes from locking your child in the basement!” As soon as she started cleaning in a panicked voice she said “unlock the door, let me out!”, when she came out she said “there’s someone moving the boxes in there” and then we both started screaming and ran up the stairs. I’m not sure who made it upstairs first but I’d like to think I pushed her up first. My parents told us about other mild things that have been happening but the toilet thing is a constant occurrence. I think it’s so wrong to haunt a bathroom. That’s the most intimate and personal of all spaces and the thought of something yelling “boo” while I’m doing my business just freaks me out. This means only 3 things: 1. I haven’t stayed the night there 2. Mom wants me to come over for a game night and *gulp* spend the night. 3. Investing in adult diapers. Even if the ghost started cleaning the toilets I wouldn't invite her (the ghost) to my house. The other thing that's been happening is the fart machine that my dad has (yes, we're really classy) goes off at very random times all by itself. To test it I took the thing to my house where only confused but very much alive people reside. Nothing happened. I'm thinking that we've discovered a brand new ghost detecting tool with the fart machine, maybe TAPS would like to carry it around - it would make for fun T.V. Tonight I'm walking on the wild side, living dangerously - staying the night at my parents. New Years with my family, I'm a real risk taker huh!

My S.I.L. said that everyone should have a *sign* with their significant other so that when one person dies they can give the other their *sign* so that way we know who’s flushing our toilets. Most people say their sign will be butterflies gathering in a field, special fragrances in the air or rainbows on the darkest days. My S.I.L., being the sensitive person she is, told her husband that if he’s a goner before her his sign is to randomly dump large amounts of money all over her - this doesn’t include insurance money. I love this sign and think we should all adopt it.

Wii

2006-12-20T19:45:00.000-06:00

Bright and early Sunday morning I went on my second quest for the elusive Wii gaming system. I knew to stay clear of Best Buy because there was a row of tents already set up at 10:00 Saturday night so I went to Toys R Us. When I arrived at 4:45 am. There were nine people on cots and sleeping bags along with their relief partners then there was number 10, 11 and his partner 11 ½ then me! I found out early on that this whole numbering of people thing was a huge deal. As soon as I got in line I realized I forgot all my necessary items for surviving this freezing morning; I only had my coat (with no hood) and my thin driving gloves. As soon as I arrived number 13 then 14 got in line behind me. It’s funny how much you learn about people when you’re all thrown together in what I called an endurance test – just like Survivor! I was connected to some degree to numbers 10 through 14; kids at the same college, knowing my daughters band teacher and the church she performs at, went to high school with this guys wife, born in the same hospital as this other guy, a lifer in this town like another…on and on. Besides watching me shake uncontrollably and laughing
at my chattering teeth our entertainment of the morning was watching the mouse almost go into someone’s sleeping bag while they were still sleeping; staying very still while the rabbit crept up to each one of us and since I was the only one sitting on the ground (I forgot my chair) I prayed, while the rabbit sniffed at my shoe, that I didn’t provide even more entertainment by getting bit. We also watched as #11 ½ and 14 chased after the newspaper that blew away and cheered at their success, although I didn't clap for fear of my icicle fingers falling off. I had no idea of the growing number of people that filed in. I was sitting on the ground between chairs so no one saw me; when I got up to try to get blood flowing in my legs a wave of jeers and "are you kidding me" went through the crowd - I was a number that they missed counting. Around this same time #15 (angry mom)started to spread Christmas cheer and good tidings with rantings of "taking care of cutters" and "!*###&@", she also kept threatening to "storm" to the front of the line, knocking down whoever gets in her way. Thankfully #11 and 11 1/2 promised to protect me if that happened. I have to stop and ask myself - Who are these people!? Where did their rudeness, bitterness and anger come from? And, I'm sure they have kids so are they equally as angry as their parents? Are they the future angry people of America just waiting to run over old ladies in wheel chairs? We all need to just calm the crap down! I thought about leaving but decided to stay; even though I knew I wasn't going to get one at least I could honestly say that I tried. Just as angry mom started to work the crowd behind her the front door opened. The kid said "we only have 15 tickets" to which the crowd threw curses at him which only bounced off his pearly white smile that never faded. I stayed in line and guess what, I WON! I was number 12! I won, I won, I can't believe I won. Victory was mine! I went to the check out, disbelieving that I actually had the ticket in my hand; My daughter will surely be filled with loving admiration for her Mother! But wait, what's that you say? Oh yeah, that's right,I actually have to PAY for this thing. But still, I kind of won! When I got home my youngest anxiously asked if I got it then she immediately asked "did you make any new friends in line?" - She's a girl after my own heart.

Here's my elf dance
You've just gotta love Office Max

See you at Best Buy at 4:00

2006-12-11T15:25:00.000-06:00

For the first time ever one of my kids wants the newest game system. You know the brand new one that comes out every year at Christmas time yet only a few thousand are released so that parents all over the country wake up at 4:00am every Sunday to search through the paper looking for who is selling it that day so that we can stand in line for 5 hours only to be told that they’re sold out or oops, their shipment didn’t arrive there fore parents have resorted to shooting each other or selling their bodies just so we can get our hands on this game system which in reality is just our way of buying our children’s love and avoiding the depression that could inflict them because their Merry Christmas was ruined by not getting this game system. It’s also causing us to write and speak in run on sentences. Why do gaming companies do this every year? I think they should wait until they have enough products to meet the demand before releasing it. This whole 6 here and 10 here release is doing nothing but causing divorces and making the sleep deprived, crazed parents cringe at the smallest utterance of Merry Christmas.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-26T13:34:00.000-06:00

Brazil and my girls at the Plaza lighting ceremony on Thanksgiving.
Brazil decorated her first Christmas Tree and now she's ready to decorate everyone's tree. In her neighborhood back home Christmas Trees are only in store windows, evergreens aren't abundant there, but they do decorate anything that doesn't move with tons of lights so you need to be careful standing idly for too long. She loved watching the Plaza lights and in a sea of thousands and thousands of people she spotted who she thought was Whoppie Goldberg, Eddie Money and Tom Cruise. She has a knack for spotting celebrity look-a-likes. I see things different when I'm around her, it's been fun.

Beta brain

2006-11-16T18:27:00.000-06:00

I’ve been having computer issues lately. 4 out of 5 times when trying to connect to the internet I get an error message and the times that I do connect I get booted off after about 20 minutes, usually right in the middle of reading someone’s blog. I start silently cursing the internet moguls, the last thing I want to do is get the run around from a computer generated voice about my internet service. I shut off the computer and go upstairs, do the dishes, some laundry, call my aunt, pick a kid up somewhere and drop another kid off somewhere else and just as I lay my head down to sleep it hits me – the only reason I went upstairs was to call the internet people! This happens to me all the time. Somewhere between the bottom step and the top my brain shorts out and completely forgets what the main mission was. I’ve stopped doing some things when I’m alone for fear of forgetting something and burning down the house – like plugging the iron in or drying my clothes. What’s my problem? I don’t have a history of Alzheimer in my family although my Grandma suffered from dementia for about 10 years before she passed away but I blame that on the severe head trauma that she suffered in a car accident. It’s easier to blame the dementia on the accident than to think that it could be hereditary. I’ve never had a head trauma and besides the small bouts of O.C.D, worrying and paranoia I don’t think I have anything wrong with my brain. I will never accept “age” as being the problem because if I’m young at heart that means my brain thinks I’m about 23 year old and wrinkle free. This is just one more worry to add to my list of thousands. I’ve also switched to beta on blogger, I have no idea what this is or what it means but it said that eventually everyone will have to convert so I though I might as well do it now. The only problem so far is that I can’t post a comment on some blogs. The comment page wants me to sign in with beta but that only takes me to my own page and usually by that time my internet shuts down and I make my way upstairs to do the dishes….

One last thing…Andrew has posted a comment on here but now it shows him as anonymous and I have no idea what his blog name is, can anyone help?

Ode to Vegemite

2006-11-03T08:27:00.000-06:00

There was much fist shaking in the air and polite cursing going on all day yesterday at work; the Australian said the FDA has banned his beloved vegemite. He even sang a vegemite song to us which we had to look up right away so we could sing along except we inserted the word “butt” in front of cheek which just caused more polite cursing. Even while angry he sounds like he’s having a quaint conversation over tea, which must always be hot, of course. We have slowly been learning some Aussie (which he always corrects us on, it’s ozzie) lingo at work. He calls our sweatpants Trekies (sp?), he says the word sweatpants is vulgar sounding like we’re sitting around in our pants sweating while eating cheetos off our bellies.
Mentioning the new jumper (sweater) he just bought or the lovely new B.M. (BMW) his neighbor has just brings us to our knees. Sometimes we’re just dumb struck like when he asked me “could I bother you for a rubber" noticing my blank look he said "I promise to return it” before I could tell him about the drug store down the street and…ewww… I wouldn’t want it back he promptly said “the word has escaped me but its rubber” – pulling my mind out of the gutter - what he wanted was an eraser. Our countries are alike in a lot of ways but very different in others. He says Americans are rude, always in a hurry, work too much and carry thing too far. I wonder if this has anything to do with us telling him that getting Memorial Day off is a privilege earned only after living here at least 3 years or that we always dress up at work for Halloween, it's not like he came dressed as a bottle of ketchup, he dressed as a pilot. No worries.

The road to independence is slowly killing me

2006-10-27T13:29:00.000-05:00

Saturday was a cold and rainy 40 degrees yet my Band daughter had to march in a parade for over an hour sans coat, gloves or hat. After the parade I went home to dry off then went to her school because someone volunteered my services to chaperone one of the buses (that broke down on the highway) that was going to the band party at the stables. I was surrounded by hard core "Band Mom" earring wearing band parents who must have either had a really hard life or were drill sergeants in their past lives. At this party I was also volunteered to chaperone all the hayrides on this freezing, rainy evening. Had I been paying attention I would have noticed the 7th grade boy who just jumped off the hayride but no, the only thing I could think of was what my oldest daughter told me just before I left for this ill fated trip…that in January she wants to move in with her boyfriend and another couple. I'm still recovering from the mild stroke that she gave me. Is she really telling me this? So the child that I poured every emotion (including some that I didn’t even know I had) into for the last 18 years, who I literally gave my heart and soul to and who completely cut me out of her life the minute she turned 18 is moving in with her boyfriend? Okay that last sentence was a little angst on my part but I'm entitled to say it since I never received the LifeTime Achievement medal for good parenting. Why play house at such a young age? What happened to the years of me saying “enjoy your life as much as possible before settling down”, “don’t follow in my foot steps” and “you’ve got your whole life to be an adult, just because you turn 18 doesn’t mean you have to live like an adult” – I wish someone would have told me that, she wasn't suppose to end up like me. The JcPenney catalog picture of the family whose older kids are still actual members the of the family and who, I’m sure, still ask their parents their opinion and in-put on things – this image of “The Great American Family” that was fading a little bit away has now been completely blown away. And…who wants to think about their little 18 year old daughter living with their boyfriend? Not me! I don’t need to know these things. Now I realize that I might seem like I’m blowing things out of proportion but this is MY daughter I’m talking about, MY kid, the really quiet, sweet one not the young little stripper that lives down the street – I really have nothing against strippers as long as they aren’t my daughter. I didn’t say anything negative when she told me this, I asked questions to try to get something, anything out of her but she wouldn’t budge – such as “I really do think people should live together before marrying” – in other words “how serious is your relationship?” - in other words "for all that is good on this earth, your not fornicating are you". I guess I should look on the bright side and be thankful that she’s not one of Hugh Hefner’s young girlfriends; whoa…I don’t even want to know how their Moms feel. I’ll also have a spare room in my house. Knowing my daughter I'm just afraid that this living situation will turn into something more; I really just want her to enjoy her freedom and youth while she has it. I can't even believe I'm going to say this but I sound just like my Mom, I can officially die now. I don’t know, I'm constantly dropping her off at the Fire Station with a note attached to her and she keeps coming back, I found out you can only do that with babies.

Friday with Tuesday

2006-10-20T12:18:00.000-05:00

My cousin Tuesday was in town this past week. The last time she was in town her boss committed suicide, before she left she told her co-workers that she expects all of them to be there when she returns. On her way home she called from the airport to tell me that her new boss just got fired! We’ve discussed her work at great length over the months and we both smell a huge scandal. It’s too much for Tuesday to handle especially when she just wants a job with no drama – which is just impossible. Personally, I love the mystery of it all since I don’t work there and besides the porn problem my work is a little boring

Have you ever had one of those times with someone that is so unexpectedly perfect that you didn’t want the evening to ever end? Okay, if I was much younger I guess that sentence would sound like I was talking about some guy, but no that’s not what I meant. I’ve lost touch with so many people and re-gaining that touch can be hard, everyone’s just too busy for each other. Friday I met up with Tuesday, my aunt and another cousin for coffee at a small local coffee shop that has an atmosphere similar to a bar but without all the plumbers crack. The shop has one man bands that play on Fridays and Saturdays for a fairly large crowd; I’m a sucker for anyone who can carry a show by himself so I was this guy’s biggest fan by the end of the night. My new hobby will be… becoming a groupie to all the musical eye candy whose only fans seem to be their mothers! Those young 20 something year old girls have nothing on me, all I need are support hose and a 24 hour bra! The music, the atmosphere and the re-connecting conversation were perfect! I had to leave after 2 hours though to pick up my youngest band player from her performance. On Saturday I went to the play “Menopause the musical” and out to dinner with a friend (that I haven’t seen since Christmas) along with 8 of her friends and family, instead of coffee the night was a free for all wine fest!

My Grandma's Attic - The last chapter

2006-10-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

The next few attic trips a new discovery was made, this new Mom of mine was pregnant. My life was almost complete. I spent my weekdays imagining how excited this woman and *gasp* my new sibling were going to be when I found them. Wondering about my new life and how it would be with them. The sheer excitement that I felt came to a sudden and complete standstill. I found a new box; it was filled with cards and at the bottom a book - a mourning book. The cards all said the same thing over and over…I’m sorry for the death of your wife and child. I silently cried in my Grandmas attic. I cried for a woman (only 19 years old) who never got to hold her child, for a child who never got a chance to live and for a dream that was lost. At that time I truly believed that my Dad lost the only child he wanted, which is why he treated my brother and I like he did, I never took his words so personal after this – I truly felt nothing but sorry and pity for him. For weeks I snuck back to the attic to cry and quietly take piece by piece every single item belonging to Ruth. Bringing everything home to hide in the back of my closet, keeping my secret and my grief all to myself. I held on to this secret for a long time before
learning the whole truth from my Mom. It seems that everyone but me knew all about this Woman, it was never my secret. I finally let go of all of Ruth’s possessions and gave them to who they really belonged to, my Dad. I never completely released my dream, even as a teen. I knew the child had died but my mind always whispered to me that the child is looking for you, I always shrugged it off – I have to grow up and face reality. This is why when I was 22 and my 18 year old Brother found us the child in me cried…dreams do come true.

My parents met because of Ruth. They were going through a divorce when I was 3 but got back together because of her (a little complicated). When my Dad's girlfriend learned that he was getting back together with his wife she went back to her family in Florida, never telling him that she was pregnant. People always say that there is a meaning to everything, even when it doesn’t make any sense at all. You never know how the actions you take today with affect someone in the future. I know some might think it strange that I always have and always will hold my Dad’s first wife in such high regard. Although I never met her she means the world to me

Thankfully my Dad and I both grew up and put the past (not the memories) behind us. He’s the Dad I never had and a wonderful Grandfather.

My Grandma's Attic - Part 2

2006-09-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

When my brother very convincingly and repeatedly told me that I was adopted I was intent on finding out who my real parents were. I truly couldn’t wait to meet them and *trying not to faint* I bet I have a sister just waiting for me somewhere. My Grandma’s attic was filled wall to wall with boxes and the treasure that I was looking for had to be buried somewhere in there, just waiting for me.

My Dad’s family is very small compared to my Mom’s; I only have 3 cousins on that side of the family. My Grandma had 3 rules at her house – no playing in the rooms in the garage out back, no playing on the roof and stay out of the attic! At any given time you were sure to find one of us at any of these locations. I stole an hour away almost every Sunday to sneak into the attic by myself. Weeks went by before I found my treasure - a suitcase buried beneath a sea of boxes. It was like opening a chest filled with booty by some long forgotten pirates, I’m sure a golden glow emitted when I opened it. There were pictures and pictures of a woman that I’ve never seen before. My weekly hour visits to the attic went fast but each week I’d take a few pictures, stuff them down my shirt and hide them in my closet at home. Stealing - yes…but this was my discovery and therefore my secret…this woman was mine and mine alone.

Weeks later I found a wedding book and wedding pictures. And, holy crap That’s my dad and this woman getting married!
I thought about how hurt my Mom would be if she ever found out that not only was Dad married to someone else but that this woman could possibly be my real Mom. I told myself that I'll never let Mom know about any of this, I really loved my Mom but the possibility of a new life was like a trip to Disneyland.

A new discovery was made over the next few trips to the attic, this new Mom of mine was pregnant... I'll finish with this memory (hopefully) on my next post. I feel the need to write these things down before I'm struck down with amnesia or some other tragedy :)

My Grandma's Attic

2006-09-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

I was the kid who believed there was a pot of gold at the end of all rainbows. Running as fast as I could when I saw one, hoping to find the gold before the rainbow faded. I was also the kid who really believed that it was possible to dig to China, maybe finding buried treasure along the way. Yep, that was me who believed that my Aunt and Brother possessed the power to visit the North Pole by shrinking themselves and traveling through the drains. They promised to teach me when I got older. If anyone saw their performance they too would believe like I did. I believed in the Brownies that my Grandma told us about, they lived with us all year. Only my family knew about them, it was like a sacred secret bestowed only to us. The lengths my Uncles went to to bring them to life and our pure belief in them is a magical memory to me. I believed (and tried) that I could learn to fly and someday I’d fly to the clouds and watch the world below. I lived half of my youth in a fantasy world and very naively believed most things that were told to me. It was a wonderful escape, I wish as adults we could all fly away in make believe sometimes. For me the turning point between fantasy and reality and the knowledge that soon I’d have to abandon my make believe world for the real one began in my Grandma’s attic...
This is one of my favorite memories but I don't want to have too long of a post so I'll finish later. I posted some of this before here.

Israel Kamakawiwo Ole's version of Somewhere over the rainbow

2006-09-28T21:58:00.000-05:00

This is my favorite version of the song. I wish I could find just the music to post but this is as close as I got
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Another weekend down

2006-09-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

I haven’t been on the best terms with my computer lately. Just the thought of coming down to the dungeon where my computer lives fills me with dread and the fact that the biggest spiders are roaming around down here waiting to drain my blood doesn’t help.
When things aren’t perfect in the bubble of my life I seem to dwell on the imperfections and can’t get past them. I seriously get sick to my stomach when things start heading the opposite of how they’re suppose to go; if I can’t control a situation I completely freak the crap out internally while acting like things are great. Of course things are never “perfect” so I’m in a constant state of panic, I need to just let life happen. I’ve been wondering if I’m to old to run away…I’d make a great expat, nestled away in Baja selling shell necklaces to the tourist – maybe when I grow up I’ll do that. Everything in life is a gamble, all the “should of’s” or “wish I would of’s” and “why the crap didn’t I..of’s” some people get if right, some people just suck at it and some like me just kind of roam around. My regrets are HUGE along with my dread of what lies ahead. Sometimes I dread the weekends, especially when I know it’s going to be a lazy, quite one – too many of those drive me crazy and I just wish them away. When the kids were younger I craved weekends like the ones I have now where as now I long for the hustle of weekends long gone. There are so many things I want to do, some of them locally, but just getting someone to go with me is frustrating – am I smelly? Is it my hair, I would seriously understand because it embarrasses me also. You would think that I, having 34 first cousins, most of whom live around here, would have no problem finding someone to just go have coffee with. It’s possible to be lonely in a sea of people. This is my completely ignorant, gloomy post for the day. I really hate my computer right now…Okay, we hugged, kissed (almost made out) and made up. It’s not the computers (who I call Elrick) fault that I suck.

Trying to type my anger out.

2006-09-04T01:25:00.000-05:00

I would like to know if there’s a hot line for mothers whose daughters just turned 18? More like for mothers who are spending thousands of dollars on their daughters to go to college only to constantly get snubbed by said daughter. It’s 1:12 am and I can’t sleep. My parents threw a birthday cook out for my daughters’ birthday today but my kid was a no show, she knew about this for over a week. I called and she said she would be right over but 2 hours turned in to 3 ½ hours so we sang "Happy Birthday", ate her cake and went home. And right now she’s up stairs with Mr. Hands, her boyfriend, getting cozy on my couch – I’ll never look at the couch the same way again. She’s a good kid, she doesn’t smoke or drink BUT she couldn’t care less about anyone else’s feelings (mainly mine). Sure, she’s growing up and deserves her space. But all I ask for is a little respect and maybe my couch back.

Don't go Brokeback on me Heath

2006-09-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

Brazil doesn’t speak much English but when she does her accent is great, it’s very flat and monotone almost sarcastic. When she started learning English Hemmingway thought it would be funny to teach her some choice words, never telling her what they really meant. Brazil loves her actors and Hemmingway was amused when she would say "Brad Pitt…homosexual", "George Clooney…homosexual" – sounding like she’s mad at them for their sexual preference. Maybe she thought it meant they were sexy?? I’m not really sure and as long as she didn’t touch my Heath Ledger I didn't really care. Stuff like this ended up biting my brother in the butt when she flatly stated "Hemingway…homosexual" . Brazil learned right then exactly what she was saying and will never call her Brad or George (or Hemingway) that again. Hemingway needs to stop with the statements already, he’s turning my Mom’s hair even whiter than it already is.

Sounding a little Germish

2006-08-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday night I went to a party with my mom at her boss’s house, it was a “meet my new spouse and see my new house” party. My mom has worked for this guy for 37 years and I worked for him for 4 yrs.– I started when I was 14 and quite when I was 18. My Dad was suppose to go but rubbing shoulders with the upper powers of the city isn’t for him so he paid me $20.00 to go. I usually feel intimidated around people like this also but, hey, $20.00, free wine and BBQ from the best place in town – I’m all for this. The new spouse I met was one of the most Charismatic people I’ve ever been round, she put us as ease the second we walked through the door. One more glass of wine and I would have had a new best friend but Mom took me home before I even had a chance to add her to my Christmas card list. While attempting to blend and fit in while really checking out the food that was placed on every single table, I was asked by a group of diamond bedazzled women if I was Greek? What the crap? Do I look Greek? And really, what does Greek look like? Why did they ask me my heritage when I just told them my name? Oh well, without thinking I told them I was German Irish and the laughter started. Not Ha Ha laughing more like you are so not joining our reindeer games type of laughing. Wrong answer, now I no what they were asking! I should have been paying attention instead of wondering to myself if I should have more wine or get more to eat. After I was home and re-hashing the whole evening I thought about my stupid German Irish response. I realized how easy it is to throw out my heritage when asked, when I really don’t know anything about it. My Dad’s family changed our last name because it was too German sounding; was this out of shame or fear or both?. My very angry Grandma-in-law who came here from Germany as a teen has a thick German accent and speaks in what I call Germish. When this woman’s mad a non-stop, 5 minute slew of German cuss words shoot out of her mouth and everyone in her proximity takes cover for fear of the words poking their eyes out. There is nothing nice, soothing or romantic about the language when the words sound like you’ve hawked up a loogie and sneezed at the same time. I’m not bashing my heritage but a little Italian in my blood would be nice.

Moving Day

2006-08-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

We spent all day Sunday moving my oldest into her dorm. We arrived at the all girls dorm (how will she survive this) at 8:00 am. My daughter’s not a girly girl, she’s strictly a Lucky Brand Jean, Threadless shirt, Converse shoe, concert going girl so when we arrived at a dorm filled with Laguna Beach looking girls panic shot through my body. We also weren’t prepared with all the necessary stuff that she needs; her roommate had all the latest and greatest stuff. What kind of parent would I be dropping off my oldest, all by herself, without all the must haves? So, we spent the rest of the day spending more money than I’ve ever spent in one days worth of shopping just so I could feel like I accomplished my goal as a caring parent. In other words – bring in on all you other parents, I can top your kids stuff with even better stuff, yeah, I can by love. I’m suffering in a big way now for this. I think I was also prolonging the goodbye, I’m sure there were probably cheaper ways to go about this. At around 6:30 at night we dropped her off. I really wanted to walk in with her but I knew I couldn’t, she had to do this without me. So we watched as she opened the door and entered a new and hopefully wonderful stage of her life. I use to live vicariously through my cousin but now it’s through both my cousin Tuesday and my daughter (whose name is Shandi but shhhh, I didn’t really type that out loud).

No more chasing the ice cream man down the street or going to the park or...

2006-08-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

My daughter will be turning 18 in a couple of weeks. I’m thinking about grounding her (even though I’ve never had to) and sending her to her room, this is my last chance to get in some last minute parent control.
I’ll soon lose my full time position, it started as full time and then the last couple of years it switched to part time and now it’s just on call as needed. I’ve recently read an article about a girl in college who called and left this message for her parents “Mom and Dad, I haven’t heard from you lately, could you please send me some money so I’ll know your okay” – I’m afraid that’s about as much as my new job will require of me. She moves to her dorm this Sunday. I know I’ll get use to all this in time but for now I don’t want to get used to it. Even though I don’t show it, I’m resisting this change in my life – I’m protesting starting right now. I know of people my age who are just now starting a family so I know I’m not THAT old, yet the older my kids get means I’m just aging that much faster. Give me some cheese with this whine - Where's my “do over”, I think I could do things so much better if I had a second chance.

M.O.A and M.I.A.

2006-08-07T19:14:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday I drove 7 hours to take the kids to the Mall of America. I realize this doesn’t make any sense, to me it’s the equivalent of driving 7 hours to buy a slurpee at 7-11. My youngest is a pro-shopper along with her best friend who went with us. My oldest, who feels the same way I do about malls, decided to take a trip with her friends to Denver. This was her 1st trip planned and taken strictly with friends. They didn’t want any input from parents which is why they’re now stuck in a hotel in a bad part of the city (even the hotel clerk and tow truck driver said that this is the worst area) with a broken down car and no money. I’m going to take the high road here and not say “I told you so”. Our trip to M.O.A. went fine, I’ve never been to a mall where a map is needed just to get around. I think the only down fall is that my daughter’s friends’ suspicion that I’m a paranoid freak has now been confirmed. I obsess over the cleanliness of hotels. After a certain hotel stay in Vegas with my kids - where there were coin operated beds that the person in the next room, whose bed joined the same wall as ours, used their coins all night so not only the walls but also our beds vibrated – now I’m a hotel snob. I still go for cheap but just not hooker cheap. 1st thing, the comforter gets yanked off the bed then I do a bed bug check (thanks 60 minutes for the useful information), socks must be worn at all times while in the room and last but not least I check to make sure the hot tub wont suck anyone’s hair or butt down into it. These things must be done. The day they’re not is the day that I’m unable to save the kid whose stuck at the bottom of the hot tub because I’m too busy scraping the fungus off my feet while my body is covered in bed bugs and comforter crap. This is just my contribution to the future hot tubers of America, you’re welcome. Now I’ve just got to help my other daughter break out of Denver.

Independence Day

2006-07-28T01:32:00.000-05:00

I love reading other peoples blogs and checking out their links; you can really get lost doing this with no idea how you ended up where you did. Once I start reading about someone else’s life and thoughts then I have to keep going back just to see what else is happening. I’m genuinely curious, interested, concerned and well just nosey like that. I think this is also why I’m addicted to reality t.v., I love reading/watching everyone’s reality much better that living my own. To me reading blogs is way better than writing them, everyone seems to be able to write exactly what I was thinking but couldn’t find the words for. I started my blog so that when I got up the nerve to comment someone – which can feel like crashing a party sometimes – the person could see that I’m not some crazed stalker (hmmm, or am I?) also some sites won’t accept replies unless you’re signed in. I have some post that I made but never uploaded because after re-reading them I realized they’re insignificant - I wrote them, well, just because. I take the phrase "It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" a little too lightly because when I open my mouth it can be an explosion of nonsense, yet I continue to open it! I guess in my own psychotic way I'm giving myself permission to write about nothing earth shattering while taking up valuable internet space. I was going to post this "remembrance" about my Grandpa on July 4th, even though the only thing connected to that date is the title. Also, this is in no way disrespecting my Grandpa; but when we talk about him our drinks usually end up spewing out our noses because were laughing so hard - except for my mom who tends to get easily traumatized.

Independence Day
Martina McBride

When I hear this song I think of my mom, except for the whole burning of the house thing. It also fits quite a few of my many cousins, again, excluding the burning house. My Grandpa was an alcoholic for well over 30 years but as my Mom always points out "he was a gentle alcoholic, never violent". My mom, her whole life she tried so hard to make things right and rosy. She tried and wanted so bad to achieve normalcy and stability but those things were never to be achieved. Oh well, either you live from the example you have or you follow it.

Trying hard not to embarrass the family, these are just circumstances beyond our control:

"Come give your Grandpa a hug" meant holding my breath and trying not to pass out, it was almost like a game. "Hey I can hold my breath for a whole minute now, I can't wait to try it out at the pool!"

Grandpa saying "hop in the bus kids, we’re going for a ride!" If my Mother or Grandma ever found out about these rides it would have cut their lives short by 20 years.

My Mother use to buy Grandpa and her brothers socks for Christmas. One time Grandpa opened his package took a sock out and blew his nose on it! Everyone almost busted a gut trying to conceal their laughs while my mother looked on in shocked horror – Special family memories were in the making!

We had plastic milk jugs filled with water that we kept in the fridge, grandpa grabbed the wrong jug and poured milk down the radiator of his car – don’t try this at home, it’ll curdle.

Grandpa painted the family school bus bright blue and then painted the family name on it using regular paint. It rained that night and the name oozed down the side of the bus like a sacrificial offering.

As a teenager driving around one night my friends started heckling the drunk guy slouched along the curb – Grandpa! What’s a 16-yr. old supposed to do when pity and embarrassment crash loudly together? My friends never knew about my family, I made sure my two lives never intersected.

Grandpa came home from a weekend fishing trip but forgot something – my then 11 year old Uncle.

Grandpa and my Uncle use to sneak out of rehab to drink their stash under the bridge and then sneak back in - real tight security huh? And wait, Grandpa are you abusing my tax dollars by doing this! My Grandpa made more off his disability check for alcoholism than my Grandma ever made. He would leave for years at a time and only show up looking for money then empty handed he’d leave for years on end. When he suffered a stroke it pretty much wiped out his memory but he would still ponder "didn’t I used to drink" - just fruit punch Grandpa. Even though he couldn’t remember my name, at least I was able to introduce my daughter to him before he passed away. I'm glad he was my Grandpa, it made my life a little more colorful.

At least I don't grab my breast and cluck like a chicken!

2006-07-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

My kids are shower-crying people just like I am. The graduate started this as early as 3 yrs. old. The show Full House always ends each episode with melodramatic music playing as house hold members resolve their conflicts with warm hugs all around. During one particular cry and hug session ending to this show my then 3 yr. old ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I knocked and asked if everything’s okay and between sobs she said “just going potty” in the saddest trying to be extra perky voice she could muster. She’s been like this ever since, so trying to comfort her is just one big awkward clumsy episode on my part. This last Thursday she had all 4 wisdom teeth taken out and up until she got in the chair she was her normal “no worries, everything’s cool” self - she’s a pro at hiding her feelings. Not that I’m wanting to go all “Full House” on her, but I wish she would let down her guard with me. The nurses hooked her up and left the room all was quit except for the beeping of the heart rate machine then it happened – she broke down. I’m a horrible Mother, not knowing what to do with a crying 17 year old. I can’t say “Oh, it’ll be all right, no need to get upset” – that’s just dismissing her feelings yet I can’t start coddling her because then she’ll really get upset. I handed her some Kleenex, told her that I’ll be right here for her after which the nurses had me leave the room. After the extraction was over the fun really started, I haven’t seen her so slap happy and child like in a long time. My child was so wasted, neither one of us could stop laughing! She held my hand and rested her head on my shoulder while I put my arm around her, for the moment there was no awkwardness and I milked it for all its worth. So, yeah, sure, she might be all swollen and in pain but for the 1st time in years she actually let me get all Motherly on her. No yelling or eye rolling or blaming, nope – just a hurt little kid who wanted her Mom. She’s leaving for college in 4 weeks; very soon I’ll be the one in horrible pain.

Over using the word "Insane"

2006-07-04T18:39:00.000-05:00

After working for 38 years for the State my Dad took an early retirement in 1995, he was also in the Army and National Guard for 13 years. He wasn’t ready to stop working all together; too much idle time drives him crazy. Since he’s a clean freak, especially with his truck he thought working part-time for the car wash would be great. While working there he was in daily contact with family, friends and received all the spicy gossip that a guy could ask for from the cops who stopped by every day (the city has a contract with the car wash). I loved it because for 11 years I got my car washed for FREE! The downside of this job was something that my Dad wasn’t prepared for, something that he thought he would like – working with the public. He soon realized that the majority of the public who graced his car wash were the rude, hateful, arrogant people, the kind who surely get their food spit on in restaurants. It’s amazing that people get insanely upset over dirt, price etc… over something as simple as a car wash. Save yourself the stress and wash it at home - yourself, unless you like the power you feel by cussing out old men. Last week a young guy drove his sports car in and yelled “Where’s the *@&!ing buckets? You idiots always forget to put the *%&!ing buckets out **&&it!” Dad wasn’t in the mood for another public battering so he told the guy to stop his crying and put his pacifier back in – okay, it didn’t come out quite like that. The guy asked for my Dad’s bosses phone number and being the sarcastic person that he can be Dad was all “You want to call my boss? Here you are.” A little later my Mom was surprised when an insane man called her up and started going off about the car wash and the old man who worked there. She told the guy that – No, she doesn’t own the car wash but that old man is her husband. Insane guy turned into furious guy and said “You mean he gave me his wife’s phone number so that I could tattle on him to her? I wanted his boss!” She started laughing and told him “Well, I AM his boss…” A few days later this guy shows up at the car wash and tells my Dad “You need to understand that I make $300,000 a year and should be treated with respect, especially from people like you!” - Oh no he didn’t just say that to my Dad – Uh Oh! Any type of arrogance, especially of the financial kind doesn’t set well with my Dad. So Dad was all “You know where you can put that $300,000” and wealthy Bubba guy was all “your just a *&@#ing lowlife who has no business even talking to me” then all the rest of the verbal “your ma-ma’s” went flying around. Actually Dad has no concept of what “your ma-ma” means, if you ever said that to him he’d think you were literally speaking about his mother therefore you must be family – so nice to meet you. So, Dad quit and now no more free car washes for me and that’s too bad because really, who cares about global warming and starving children? How can I or anyone for that matter think about such non-sense when a dirty car is clouding our thoughts? With all that pent up dirty car anger no wonder people are turning into savages at the car wash and verbally bashing all who get in their way of a clean car.

Just a side note:
I also think everyone who was in the documentary “The Grizzly Man” is insane! Some of these people put on a theatrical act like they were staring in a film that would surely shoot them to stardom. It was comically entertaining though, well except for the fact that Timothy Treadwell really did get eaten by a bear at the end.

My ignorance in carrots and profit sharing plans

2006-06-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

I went out to dinner the other night for my anniversary. As I sat waiting for my expensive food that was sure to be served in waif like portions and taste a little on the strange side as only expensive food can be, my friend Self-Conscious settled in. I remember watching older couples in restaurants eating a meal together and never acknowledging the person they’re with. I use to think “I hope I never eat alone while eating with my husband” and here I am. Alone. I sat in the restaurant filled with very shiny people who shined quite effortlessly while I dropped food on clothes that felt stiff to me and with no kids around to blame the droppings on I had to own up to my un-shininess. I don’t know how to dress. I wish I could say I was a tomboy growing up but in reality wearing my brothers clothes was just a necessity – I really did want those dresses that filled the pages of the Sear catalog. The fake jewelry I’m wearing was picked out for me by the saleslady. I don’t know how to shop. When I buy something that I think is in style, I’ll wear it for years until I discover that it went out of style the week after I bought it. I CAN tell people which isle the cabinet hardware is in at the local hardware store and how not to lay down a tile floor – but wearing cute clothes isn’t part of my vocabulary. Trust me, I wish it were. My friends diamonds that I OOH and AWW over is like someone telling me about their profit sharing plan – I can fake like I’m all over it but really, I have no clue. All the carrot talk just makes me hungry. My shoes with the little, tiny 1-inch heel is hurting my feet and I'm hoping the shiny people didn’t just see me stumble. I bought the heels because the super cool put-together sales girl carried herself like a woman on a mission in them – she owned not only the shoes but the world! Wondering if maybe I could carry myself like her and at the same time make the cool click, click sound that only heels (no matter how small) can make I bought the shoes AND wore them out of the store. By the time I was at the other end of the mall I was bare foot. Worried that someone would yell over the loud speaker “There is a fraudulent shiny person outside of Dillards” I very quickly and shamefully left the mall. I wish I could tell all the women that have their looks perfectly polished that I’m staring not because I switched teams, seriously I AM NOT checking you out – well maybe I am but not like that. I’m just hoping that the longer I look, maybe, just maybe my hair will observe and learn. Also, putting that shirt with those shoes and that necklace – it’s amazing – you deserve “I have my shit totally together” award. My mental “cool, stylish woman” pictures that I took eventually fade away and thoughts of “but jeans are so comfortable and that tee shirt really washes up well and those flip flops are so easily accessible” settle back in. So here I am, silently eating my nasty tasting expensive meal; hoping not to be discovered for the fraud that I am. I was born without the self-confidence chromosome. I’ve spent half of my life trying to find it and I’m sure I’ll spend the other half trying to figure out how to inject it back into my body (hopefully it’ll be painless).

The Salty Deck

2006-06-17T00:32:00.000-05:00

It’s not a bar - it’s my deck.
My deck is 5 feet off the ground and for some reason slugs are attracted to it. I swear the other night the longest, fattest slug tried to attack me – I think it even hissed or maybe that was me. I also stepped on a baby slug the other night; I hope to never experience this again. In my panic I do the only natural thing and that’s to whip out the salt. The slugs whither, foam and turn to slime and no matter how hard I try not to - I watch this disgusting event. I’ve been told that placing small bowls with beer under the deck will keep them away but I have 2 dogs that have enough issues without acquiring a taste for beer. The last thing I need is 2 drunken dogs fraternizing with the neighborhood nighttime pimp dog – what would the neighbors think? So, for the time being or at least until I clean it, I’m star gazing on a slimy, salty, slug infested deck.

Suicide

2006-06-13T22:14:00.000-05:00

Little did Tuesday know that last Friday while she was experiencing “The Family”, 1600 miles away in sunny California her boss was putting a gun to her head. I’ve heard about this woman from Tuesday for the last 6 months and although I didn’t know her I can’t get over the fact that she’s no longer walking on this earth – this just keeps slapping me in the face. I’ve been putting myself in her shoes that day, trying to figure out what finally pushed her over the edge. What was her last thought? I get a little overly obsessed about certain things and this woman’s last night just plays over and over in my head.
I’ve heard my whole life that suicide is a mortal sin punishable by eternal damnation. This supposedly truth haunted me when an acquaintance in high school committed suicide. He was the nicest person yet was tormented verbally and physical on a daily basis because of who he was. He carried around so much despair. His sadness blinded him; there was no way for him to even catch a glimmer of hope of what his future might hold, I think if he did he would be pleasantly surprised. I’m using this acquaintance as an example as to why I can’t accept the whole “burning in hell because of suicide” that I was constantly told. Some people aren’t made to face the brutality of this world or to see beyond it. How can you throw a person into fire and brimstone when they’ve already experienced their own hell on earth? They went looking for peace the only way they knew how, I hope that in the end they were greeted with a warm accepting hug and a “welcome home”. I’ll never know the answers but my mind is consumed by stuff like this, there’s a constant inner religious tug of war that’s been ingrained in me that won’t shut up!

I just got off the phone with Tuesday, the police are still investigating before they confirm it was a suicide. Tuesday and her co-workers have some very interesting conspiracy theories - it's all very strange and things are playing out like a twisted movie. This could only happen in Tuesdays world.

Departing and Arriving

2006-06-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve been getting daily updates from counselors about the tour that my band player is on (she's the one wearing the white glasses). I’ve also been checking their site every day, viewing pictures that were posted the night before. It’s strange seeing her having so much fun, seeing sites and enjoying new places without us. It’s the ultimate sleep over with 122 other kids, I know she’s going to be a little sad coming home today – but I can’t wait! While she was visiting Niagara Falls my cousin Tuesday came into town for a family reunion. Tuesday left the cool ocean air and was greeted by the choking heat of the Midwest. She had only 3 days here and made the most of it. She dodged a speeding fist, saw how many people can fit into a smelly fly infested van, shadow dancing with the ones who think they can dance, encountering the rude and insane – this could mean only one thing – FAMILY TIME!! And to think I missed out on all the fun! Tuesday leaves today and the band player returns

Singing in the shower

2006-06-04T19:17:00.000-05:00

For two weeks before the graduation I went mildly bipolar. I wasn’t use to breaking down with no notice at all. I’m strictly a “cry in the shower” type of person, that way people just think what they hear is my feeble attempt at singing. I was truly worried about being so emotional – and extremely sad, I felt like the only way to get through all this was by carrying around an I.V., dripping happy drugs into me. However, now that the graduation is over and the house is almost done, I’m actually a little okay with my daughters soon to be new path. The shower has also resumed its role in my life for washing and crying. I think my real fear is losing control over her and how lonely I’ll be without her (and her friends) around, I can’t stand a quiet house for more that 2 hours!
I've had a lot of quiet house time these last two weeks. During Memorial weekend it was just my youngest and I all weekend. We were pretty busy during the days, the best thing we did was go to a real live barbecue - where actual meat is cooked! Since the other half of the family is vegetarian, we NEVER have anything that use to breathe cooked in our house (to tell the truth I'm use to this and I really don't mind at all). This week the quietness continues because my youngest has left for her 10 day, 7 state band tour. Her band has been posting pictures daily so at least I can see her, she called once and that was to yell at us because her french horn isn't working - I'm sure the yelling was just to cover up the fact that she misses her mother so. My youngest never stops moving or talking (and besides the yelling, she's very funny and friendly), where as my oldest usually has nothing to say to me unless she's complaining about something that she's sure was my fault - so this week, yeah, it's a little lonely here.

We can't take her anywhere!

2006-05-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

Me and Brazil

I took last Friday off and spent it with Brazil and my mom. Brazil carried around an electronic translator, I carried an English to Portuguese dictionary and my Mom just carried her extreme facial features, loud voice and exaggerated arm movements to communicate with Brazil. When my mom tried to communicate that she was hungry by yelling EAT? and patting her stomach Brazil said "No, Mi (mom) no porky". When we sat down in the middle of a very crowded restaurant we went down the menu. First item was a fish sandwich, Brazil typed it in the translator, I looked it up and my mom yelled FISH and very dramatically acted liked she was fishing. For the next menu item Brazil and I went through our normal procedure as my Mom clutched her breast and started clucking! As my mouth dropped open in horror wanting to tell her to back away from the table and drop the hands she still held tight to her boobs. I thought the old men next to us were going to start throwing quarters at her! This is something that I never thought I would see and I pray to never see again. Brazil knew I was embarrassed by the whole thing and for the rest of the afternoon she would sporadically look at me, grab her boobs and say "breast". Brazil did like the breast of chicken sandwich though.

Crazy weeks

2006-05-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks have really been like a roller coaster. If you’ve seen a lady running around the neighborhood babbling incoherently holding a tub of grout in one hand and lists upon lists in another, please don’t call the authorities! It’s just me and that would be the last thing I need. But, please feel free to throw any type of medication my way, anything would truly be appreciated.

As I look back on the past 17 years I think the hardest thing that I’ve experienced is the emotional heartbreak of watching your kid put their very best into something only to lose it, the disappointments that hit them when they least expect it, the feelings that get hurt at the hand of their peers and the worry and doubt they feel about their future. I think that during these times it hits me harder than it does the kids; I’ll hurt and worry about them for days if not weeks. I never let them see how this affects me because I don’t want them to feel that I’m disappointed in them or that I’m somehow invading on their feelings. This week I watched as a years worth of dedication and hard work was lost when my youngest failed to win the position that she vied for all year long. I saw her carry on with the biggest smile and best sportsmanship that I could definitely learn from. I’m watching as my oldest has one foot in the door wanting to hang on to her childhood and one foot prepared for her “real life” to begin. What she doesn’t know is that when her “real life” begins a chapter in mine ends; my real life is now – with her. I can only imagine how she’s feeling right now, it’s a little overwhelming. After Sunday I’ll be one of those parents that I thought I’d never be but always wondered about – “I wonder what they do in the evenings, I wonder how it feels to sleep all night and not notice when the kid in the next rooms’ breathing changes or that they coughed 22 times that night” – Now it’s “I wonder what time they’re coming home and whether anyone in the general proximity has been drinking – will they arrive home safe?” After Sunday I’ll be the parent of a child out of school, in August I’ll be the parent of an 18 year old adult. I swear, where are the years going – I still feel 28.

2006-04-30T00:34:00.000-05:00

Gilvan and Hemingway

My gifts from Hemingway - Thank you Gilvan!

Mrs. Brazil

2006-04-30T00:19:00.000-05:00

Hemingway brought his Brazil home this weekend, after being married 7 months they finally received her visa. The kids, my mom and I went to (what I thought pick-up) clean Hemingway’s apartment. I have never seen anything so disgustingly nasty in my life! How could he let this girls first taste of life in the States be in a pig pen? It’s so wrong, she’s going to think he brought her here to pick up after him! We did what we could which wasn’t very much. We bought her a small care package that we left for her on the table along with a card that we all signed. I hope Hemmingway doesn’t get mad but I signed the card "Seriously, good luck!" – she can’t read or speak English so hopefully Hemingway will read between the lines.
I’ve been worried about Brazil coming here ever since I found out they got married. Her life is completely different than ours, aside from putting cream on hamburgers, ketchup on pizza and drinking warm milk (they think cold milk is the most disgusting thing they’ve ever heard of). Her life isn’t one of material things, her family’s very poor. I’ve seen hours of video tape from Hemingway’s trips to her town and her home would be considered a shack here, the back of it is made up of sheet metal and boards placed randomly here and there – gapping holes everywhere and no plumbing. There’s one scene on the video that I could play over and over, it’s only about 10 seconds long. It’s Brazil and the artist’s wife who only met days before but became fast friends - they’re walking down the street arm in arm like they’ve known each other their whole lives. It’s something that’s rare here, well rare for sober people here. We’re not as open and trusting; we compete for everything where as people in her town have nothing to compete for (materialistically speaking). I’m hoping she stays true to herself and is able to see beyond the Jones’ of America. I’m worried about everything concerning her, I don’t want her to be disappointed with Hemingway or us. And, I’m sorry for everyone that the first female she saw from another country was me, I really wasn’t representing very well. What I really wish and hope for is for her to be happy.

Sans Toilet

2006-04-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

The bathtub wall tiles are complete and now we’re putting tile down on the floor which means the toilet has to go for the time being. The planning of this should have been thought out a little. The floors weren’t ready for the toilet, yet we were – we only have 1 bathroom in our small old house. Last night I told the kids “either we get a hotel room or greet a bucket”; I was shocked when my youngest refused to go to a hotel stating that hotels are “nasty, dirty and disgusting places”. We had 1 bad experience and she’s ruined for life, okay, it wasn’t just bad it was horrible; yet she had no problem staying at the hotel with the indoor water park. I think her problem could also be that we recently watched either Prime Time Live or 20/20 (one of those shows) about bed bugs, I do check for those bugs when I’m in a hotel (I even take the headboard off to check just like the show told us to). The kid wouldn’t budge! My oldest and I had no interest in bucket viewing so we left the kid and my pet rock at home to fend for their bodily functions by themselves. I’ve got to admit that I’m not a fan of staying in hotels when a vacations not involved, I feel somewhat displaced. Also, last Saturday when I had a van full of people ready to go watch my band player perform, my van broke down. So I’m toilet-less and car-less, yes – I’m very displaced! It’s okay, by tomorrow I’ll have the van back and by tonight the toilet will be re-introduced back into the family.

Grandma and the Drunkards

2006-04-14T08:07:00.000-05:00

As a kid I spent one week out of the summer with my Dads family. The town as a sleepy little farm community about 60 miles away. The only sound heard during the days was the noon tornado test warning that echoed through town. No kids were ever heard or loud music, it seemed as thought my Grandparents and I were the only souls living. This family was from the old school way. Very, very private, a little prude and never trusting of strangers. Asking about their past, my roots, was meet with silence or "why would you want to hear about that?". Were these people Nazis, should I start worrying or wait until I read about my roots in a history book? During the week I would spend one day with my Great Grandma who lived right next to the town square where no one was ever seen except for Saturdays. My G. Grandma whose legs never touched a pair of pants, only dresses, panty hose and black chunky shoes until the day she passed away surprised me with news of visitors. She said that some family members who she hasn't seen in years would be stopping by. "These folks are drunkards, so I want you to be on your best behavior and be quiet" she said to me. I guess she didn't know about my mothers family, I didn't bother telling her. I was anxiously waiting for the drunks when in walks in Abraham Lincoln with his hat, beard and black clothes along with Betsy Ross in her full dress and bonnet! The Amish lived outside of town, I was just amazed that some of them could be family members. When they left I told my Grandma "I had no idea the Amish were drunkards, they really didn't seem drunk at all!" After my grandma's heart started beating again, she sent me on my way back to my other Grandma's with these words.. "DUNKARDS!!! Not Drunkards!!

Innocent eyes and a warm heart

2006-04-07T22:27:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday my youngest cousin, little Miss Sunshine, spent the day with me. She kept me company on my 2 hour long Sunday trip back and forth taking my daughter to band practice. When Sunny got in my car she had a small stuffed dinosaur and a 10 pound purse that was our anchor against the wind that day, it contained every flavor of lip balm imaginable. Miss Sunny and her family are very religious and if you spend any amount of alone time with her, the conversation will always turn to Jesus and Heaven - I'm all ears! Here are some of her life ponderings:

Do you think my dad has the dinosaur that he bought me (that she lost) in Heaven with him? I wonder if he's okay that I have a new one, I think he is because the new one has all the love that he put in the old one.

I hope Hilary Duff has accepted Jesus, Oh My Gosh! What if she didn't? How can I go to Heaven knowing she won't be there? - After worrying about this for a while she said she wishes that Hilary were her sister so that every morning over a bowl of Coco Puffs she could ask for her autograph.

Do you think people get chapped lips in Heaven, I hope so! (she has about 50 different flavors that she wants to keep close to her)

Are purses are allowed in Heaven? If not then how am I going to hold all the lip balm!

I said "Yes" to everything! She had no idea I had so much pull with the guy upstairs! Also, my lips were kissably smooth all day!

She also worried about my oldest daughter being at the Harry and the Potters concert that day. I guess my daughter was dancing and singing to pagan music and was at risk of never gaining eternal salvation like Miss Sunshine and Hilary Duff. I told Sunny that my daughter should be okay, my magic eight ball told me so

New and old faces

2006-04-01T12:27:00.000-06:00

We hired a new salesman at work; he's from Perth, Australia and has been here for about 2 years. He's been a pilot for over 15 years (he's also an instructor) yet has been unable to find work here except for shaking paint at Sherwin Williams. For him to become a pilot here would require re-training, testing and a lot of money - there is no money in mixing paint! I guess people look at his resume and think he's not qualified for whatever they're looking for, which is something I can't understand. When I think of a pilot I imagine someone who's very intelligent, dedicated and (since he's also an instructor) articulate - yep, we got ourselves a good one! Of course the real reason we hired him was because of his cool accent, sparkling white teeth and a personality to match plus his sky blue eyes - where do people get eyes like that!? - No, we're not really that superficial but it sure does make my work day more enjoyable and I know within about 2 weeks I won't notice his looks anymore, he'll be just another co-worker.

Last Saturday I went to get my Daughter's prom dress altered. I've never been to a tailor before so when I called around I picked the one that was closest to home and whose voice sounded the nicest, I'm not really all that picky - nice is always good. When I pulled in I found the tailors door behind an old building downtown. The room wasn't any bigger than the walk-in closets that everyone except for me has these days. The tailor was sitting on a cabinit, hand stitching away, she said that this is her home away from home and this very spot that she's sitting in is how most people feel about their favorite chair at home. She told me she started her business in this back room in 1982, the year she became a U.S. citizen. When I asked where she was from, she told be Lebanon and I immediately knew who she was. I went to a private Catholic school for a few years when I was younger. When I was in the 7th grade a family who spoke broken english started their three older kids at my school; this family also happened to live in the same townhomes as my Grandma. As a 13 year old I new nothing about news beyond the borders of my town, let alone outside of the country. My friend told me how they had to escape their town and leave family, friends and all of their possessions behind. I only knew it had something to do with the war and her father and family being threatened (Catholic charities helped them escape and settle here). This tailor's daughter was the ever smiling and happy girl amongst all of us somber kids at school, it should have been the other way around!

You never know who you'll encounter when you open an old door in a back alley. People who have been there, done that and are happy for the experience and for their chance at life.

Old Faces

2006-04-01T12:22:00.000-06:00

Last Saturday I went to get my Daughter's prom dress altered. I've never been to a tailor before so when I called around I picked the one that was closest to home and whose voice sounded the nicest, I'm not really all that picky - nice is always good. When I pulled in I found the tailors door behind an old building downtown. The room wasn't any bigger than the walk-in closets that everyone except for me has these days. The tailor was sitting on a cabinit, hand stitching away, she said that this is her home away from home and this very spot that she's sitting in is how most people feel about their favorite chair at home. She told me she started her business in this back room in 1982, the year she became a U.S. citizen. When I asked where she was from, she told be Lebanon and I immediately knew who she was. I went to a private Catholic school for a few years when I was younger. When I was in the 7th grade a family who spoke broken english started their three older kids at my school; this family also happened to live in the same townhomes as my Grandma. As a 13 year old I new nothing about news beyond the borders of my town, let alone outside of the country. My friend told me how they had to escape their town and leave family, friends and all of their possessions behind. I only knew it had something to do with the war and her father and family being threatened (Catholic charities helped them escape and settle here). This tailor's daughter was the ever smiling and happy girl amongst all of us somber kids at school, it should have been the other way around!

You never know who you'll encounter when you open an old door in a back alley. People who have been there, done that and are happy for the experience and for their chance at life.

Thanks for questions on my original post! I need to shut up about some things!

The concert kid

2006-03-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

Another late night Wednesday due to waiting up for her to get home from yet another concert. Last week it was tornados, this week a supposedly bad winter storm was coming which was surely going to strike the worst in the town she was in – I’m a chronic worrier. She’s into obscure bands and as soon as they’re discovered by MTV the complaining of "Those are my bands, they’re not for the mainstream likes of MTV to ruin!" Nothing mainstream for my kid – no way! She frequents concerts at a very small venue (well, bar but venue sounds better) in a neighboring college town which in about 5 months will be her town. She can’t wait because of all the free concerts and undiscovered bands that are just waiting to be discovered by her. Plus at these concerts sometimes the band members will roam around talking to people after the show, last year someone from Panic at the Disco signed her Converse shoes. The venue holds only around 200 people. During concerts the older people (which to her is anyone over 23yrs.) and parents stay up in the balcony while the true fans are on the floor moshing away. She doesn’t mind the moshing and thinks it’s funny when she can push people that she wouldn’t dare push in the every day world, especially the kissing couples. The thought of people pushing my kid raises the hair on the back of my neck. If I were a parent in the balcony watching this I’d have to turn into Spiderman, jumping down from above, rescuing the girl and destroying the pushers. Lucky for her I’m not there! Really, how can anyone enjoy a concert when you’re getting pushed from every which way? Last year both kids went to a concert at this same venue with their dad, they stayed to the sides to avoid the moshing. I didn’t go because I can’t stand this band. I hate their music; it has NOTHING to do with what they look like. I never would have though that I’d be considered closed minded AND mainstream (mainstream isn’t all that bad) because I don’t the like the music of a band that dresses like comic book super heroes.

The Aquabats

A few months after this concert we all went back to this same town to go to the Ravi Shankar concert – talk about extreme opposites

The expensive money pit

2006-03-12T17:11:00.000-06:00

I’m planning on having a small graduation party in May for my daughter so I started doing some repairs. Actually I feel like I’m in a constant repair mode. Back in October I took the carpet out of the kitchen, what it was doing in there, I have no idea! Under the carpet was a layer of old linoleum and then a layer of black sticky stuff. It was a huge messy job but well worth it for the tile I would soon put down. After removing all the layers I found two water damaged areas on the floor so it looked like a new back door was in order. Well, upon further inspection it was the deck pulling away from the house and the weather was starting to get bad so the whole project would have to wait for nice weather. So, I’ve been living on sub-floors in the kitchen since October. The weather is now nice but in the mean time a leak sprouted in the walls behind the showerhead. After tearing down the walls, fixing the leak, putting up new tile around the bathtub a new problem arose. I spent the whole day on Saturday scrapping the nasty popcorn texture off the ceiling in the bathroom (popcorn ceiling texture should be illegal) when I found a leak in the ceiling. The ceiling had been painted over numerous times so it was hiding the water stain very well. Now I need to repair that part of the ceiling then plaster the whole thing then paint it. I’m not sure when I’m ever going to get to the kitchen floor. At least I got an early start on the repairs this morning; the tornado sirens went off at 8:15 a.m. and continued through out the day.

Please cleanse me

2006-03-04T11:54:00.000-06:00

I haven't been to church in a long, LONG time but last weekend I went twice - just for good measure. The first church that I went to on Saturday night was my aunt's church, it's very little, very casual and they serve great coffee. The preacher was a young excited guy who was very entertaining to listen to, the whole concept of the sermon was "The Power of Love" - if this were a pop test I would have failed. So I left church liking the sermon but feeling like a piece of crap human being who just drank some really good coffee. On Sunday morning I went to my youngest child's church, it's not really her church she just plays in the band (her band teacher from school is the conductor). She joined the church band because, well, she LOVES band and keeping busy at all times - balancing every minute of every day full of activities and friends is her life. Also, the band is going on a two week tour this summer, visiting 6 states and ending the tour by visiting Niagara Falls. I would love to go with her but my cowboy, porn watching (don't ever mention Brokeback Mountain to him) boss wont let me take 2 weeks off in a row. How the heck am I suppose to have a full, happy, healthy and fun vacation in only one week? We work for others dreams to come true (a successful business for them) and of course for money and last but not least we work for retirement. Working for retirement, I know that's a goal for me but when I think about this it's kind of like a young mother naming her newborn daughter Ethel so that when the child is 90 years old her name will fit her, what about all the time in between? I'm not sure if that made any sense what I really should say is just read Lita's post titled "Rut" come to think of it instead of posting I should just say "Ditto to whatever Lita posted". Back to my second church experience of the weekend. My daughters church band church is huge, the main church seats over 3,000 people and it comes complete with its own production studio, coffee shop, book store and over 54 clasthat'ss and thats only in the main building. The smaller building is for teens and it has a rock wall, small basketball court, skateboard area and all the computer games you can imagine. Being inside both areas is like being part of a mini society. The sermon was also about "Love", whats up with that? After the service I waited to congratulate my daughter on the performance. The church was pretty much cleared out except for the band on stage and the church workers so I assumed the guy that came down and stood by me was a church worker. He started asking me questions; my name, area that I lived in, etc... then he made that Hmmm Hmmm noise, the noise that is one step below whistling at a woman. I haven't been Hmmm Hmmm to since....well... I don't think I ever have, so my first Hmmm Hmmm is in a church? This is beside the point but the guy was really creepy looking too with a smile that made you wonder what the Hell he's thinking about - I guess now I know what he's thinking about. I left, wondering if the church store sells bars of soap next to their bibles.

I’m not political just opinionated

2006-02-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about her trip to Cancun, 3 months earlier she went to Miami, 3 month earlier than that she was on a cruise 3 month prior to that… In May they will be in Arizona then Hawaii. These are ALL EXPENSE PAID trips she and her husband “win”every 3 – 4 months. Her husband also wins i-pods, various techno gadgets even a sports coat. He’s a district sales manager for an insurance company. The guy has worked hard to get where he is and who wouldn’t love to work someplace that pays very well with great perks? I’ve paid thousands for health, car and home insurance over the years yet every now and then a “denied” bill do to un-necessary work or un-covered charge comes my way – the extra mammogram, blood work, x-ray etc… was just for my pleasure. I realize the upper muck mucks want to keep their managers happy in order to keep the customers coming but this is a field in which the customers will always be there. We aren’t going to go anywhere, they have us over a barrel and are able to use our money for stupid frivolous things. I guess I’m a little resentful that I have no control over how they spend my money and how they are able to reject me or raise my rates because of past claims that I’ve filed. Even when someone else damages your property it can count against you if it happens frequently. This discussion only leads to my bitterness toward social security, I want to invest my money WHERE I want, retire WHEN I’m ready and TAKE however much I want. It’s really not the governments business. All the big guys around here are shoving their open hands in our face, not to shake with us but to take from us. Even if Mary Poppins were president I don’t think I’d be happy, now maybe if Robin Hood……

I need to search for daisy covered meadows - take 2

2006-02-11T12:13:00.000-06:00

I was searching the other day for the Bare Naked Ladies song "If I had a Million Dollars". I love this song because there's no deep underlying message about past lives, lost loves or lives lost to ponder about. The song is just there, waiting to be sung along with. I do know if I had a million dollars about 15 people and I would be sitting a little bit more comfortably than we are now. I know people always say that money doesn't buy happiness but the people that say that are usually loaded. I also know that happiness can be a very hard thing to be achieved but I'd be a little bit happier just knowing I had money in my bank account in case something happens. Who knows when the next bride is going to run away and she'll want a friend to come along with her, if that happens I'll have the money and be prepared. Just a note - It never hurts to have one extra change of clothes in your car at all times in case something like this comes up.

When I typed Bare Naked Ladies into the search engine I wasn't even paying attention to the name of this band. Why was I so surprised that 6 out of a million sites were really for the band. This happens to me all the time, usually when the kids are around asking "what is that?" and I truthfully say "I have no idea" - they'll need to fill me in when they're older!

I deleted the original post, those of you who commented would understand - some things I really shouldn't say.

I know your name AND your address

2006-01-31T07:42:00.000-06:00

I have no idea where the box sticking out of the window came from, the tow truck driver was probably cleaning out his truck.

The 3 lounge singers didn't make it.

I didn't get my police report yet but I did get the report of the drunk hitting the pole. The guy is 52 yrs old and lives in my neighborhood. It's stated in the report that the guy said "something crossed the road in front of him and trying to avoid it caused him to crash into the pole" - What an upstanding citizen! Risking his car and life trying to avoid something! Well, there were no pink elephants reported loose in the neighborhood that night, the only thing needing to be avoided was you.

My Wake Up Call

2006-01-26T19:05:00.000-06:00

There is nothing quite like waking up to a ringing phone at 3:00 a.m. You bolt awake; your brain is automatically set in the panic mode yet your body is still just hanging out. The answering machine picks up and a voice on the other line identifies herself and tells me that if I go to my front door a uniformed office is there waiting to assist me! I need assisted? This can't be good! I look out the window and the first thing I notice is the car is GONE! My first thought is "why would anyone bother stealing this old car?" - there are much nicer cars a few neighborhoods away. It's a 1993 Sentra, yes it's old but it's never given us any trouble and it's paid for! Just like the lady on the phone said, the officer was waiting at the front door. But my car wasn't stolen; it's just no longer at the curb where we left it. Now it's at the top of a slight hill directly in front of my next door neighbor's front door. The car graciously brought her new little tree with it - my neighbor and the problems with the trees she plants! Really, she should just give it up; the trees obviously don't want to stay. We watched as the tow truck carried away the front half of a car with a tree sticking out of it. The trunk, seats and little tree were neatly compacted just behind the front seats. The drunk driver didn't stop there he made about 2 more "S's", side to side down the street. He made sure he hit the corner of every yard until he hit a utility pole - that snapped completely off! My car was the only one hit, everyone else's car remained untouched. I can't even imagine how fast he was driving, totaling a car and still able to break a pole 15 houses down. We only have limited liability on our car so I need to go through his insurance company BUT I found out the police report won't be ready for 5 to 7 days I am so royally screwed, I can't even get the guys name. One last whine - I really can't afford any of this now. STUPID DRUNK DRIVERS - they have to bring us down with them!

"Long Day"

2006-01-19T15:36:00.000-06:00

Matchbox 20

I read a post card on Postsecret last week that freaked me out a little (really, they all freak me out). I realize that some of these postcards are bogus but it doesn’t matter as long as I’m entertained. The postcard was from a 70 year old guy who said that he’s very happy with his wife, kids etc. but, if his girlfriend from his youth shows up he’ll leave everything for her. I think that means he’s not really very happy like he stated, he just forgot that he’s been wearing a happy facade. I worry about having regrets like this when I’m 70 years old, heck I have huge regrets right now. I’m hoping that by the time I’m 70, I’ll be content with decisions that I’ve made. Although, have I ever been content with anything I’ve done? – excluding having kids. I daydream about the day that I can leave this place/life and start over when my kids are grown and settled. The reality is that it’s just a fantasy and I need to live in reality. Also, no matter where I go, I’m sure to follow. “I’m so terrified of no one else but me, I’m here all the time. I can’t get myself to go away.” WHAT! Is that a song lyric again? - What can I say, I think these lyrics are tragically funny.
Tomorrow I’m going to start taking St. John's Wort; I doubt it’s going to work because I have only myself to blame for the way I feel. You have to give it about a month see any results. I’m curious, is it for real or just a placebo? Do you have to be really depressed or can you just suck in general for it to work? If it doesn’t work for people who suck then maybe I’ll just start drinking, sounds good to me.

What the....

2006-01-15T13:46:00.000-06:00

It happened again, my credit card number was stolen. At least this time it wasn't my bank account, trying to get that straightened out right at Christmas time was a mess. All my bounced checks are now cleared and the fees have been waived. I received the call yesterday from the dreadful computer generated voice telling me that my Visa number had suspicious charges on it. Yep, another $3,000.00 - this one will be easier to take care of. How is this happening, I did use this card for some on-line purchases. But seriously, come on! I would LOVE to find the people doing this.

I thought Midnight meant 10:00.

2005-12-30T10:53:00.000-06:00

I didn’t go to Midnight Mass for the 1st time in years. I remember a time when it was actually at Midnight then for years Midnight Mass was at 10:00, this year they switched it up and it was at 8:00 and Midnight. I wasn’t prepared for either one, so I didn’t go. I’m not a Catholic, I did go to a Catholic school for 4 years but I’m not a Catholic now. – Nothing against Catholics at all, my maternal family clan are true blue staunch Catholics. My Grandma even joined a convent to become a nun; she dropped out of it, got married and had nine kids. Okay, enough feeling guilty about the whole non-Catholic thing. Midnight Mass was one of the only mass that I went to where I actually listened to everything the priest said – even though I knew exactly what and when everything was going to be said or done – it’s always a serene and touching mass. So, I feel like I missed out on Christmas by not going – if I turn into a heathen and get rejected from Heaven I only have myself to blame. I have an obsession about reaching the pearly gates only to get laughed at and getting the gate slammed in my face followed by an “As if”. A few days before
Christmas I watched the Barbara Walters special “Where is Heaven and how do you get there”, it didn’t help. It was interesting listening to what different religions believe regarding Heaven. The Dalai Lama was the most entertaining person, laughing and smiling the whole time but no way do I believe in Buddhism. I think that life is hard enough for the average and not so average person and dying just to come back again – possibly as a cow – is what I call true hell. The Atheist think that once you’re gone, that’s it! Your body will be kissing worms forever but what do you care – your being has been forever extinguished. – Now that’s depressing! If I die I know I won’t be partying with the worms but what if the Buddhist are right, there’s a good possibility that I’m coming back as a crocked, nasty, rotting tree branch with an attitude. Next year you can expect to see me at Midnight Mass!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

2005-12-23T08:50:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I went out to finish my shopping, which came to an abrupt end when I found out my debit/credit card was being denied. It was Saturday and the banks were closed but what I did find out was that somehow last week someone copied my Visa check card number – they had DIRECT access to my checking account. The damage is $3,600.00. I’ve never had even close to that amount in my checking account so all the checks that I wrote last week have been bouncing. It’s the checks that you would never want to bounce too - the worst is the one to a friend’s family (I met through my job) that live in the New Orleans area. Are these poor people going to be fined for my bad checks? – what kind of gift is that? Visa has reimbursed my checking account in full but still wants to charge me $160.00 for having insufficient funds – I’m speechless on that one. The bank is also fining me for the same thing. This is my warning – never let your card out of your sight and watch out for people with camera phones looking over your shoulder – I’m not sure if this is what happened, I’m just speculating. Someone in Addison, Texas is going to have a nice Christmas this year! Seriously, how can you enjoy something that was purchased with stolen money? I couldn’t even enjoy a piece of gum if I knew it was stolen. Visa said that this is a small amount compared to what they see on a daily basis, no wonder interest rates are so high!

I swear, I'm really a nice person - If I pay you a dollar then would you believe me?

2005-12-15T20:25:00.000-06:00

Monday we had my oldest daughters' orchestra concert and this Friday we have my youngest daughters' Band concert. I could go on and on about their musical interest but I can't. My brain is paused on guilt and has been since Monday; that dreaded day when I opened my mouth and sarcastic rudeness poured out. I've been in an irritated mood lately so when my neighbor called and volunteered me to collect money DURING the band concert I lost it. My neighbor is part of what I call The Concerned Parent Coalition of Volunteer Moms - a group that consist of the SAME group of nasty, snobby moms that I've had to deal with for 12 years. I know it must seem like I'm not pulling my weight, not wanting to collect money and all but trust me, I've done every volunteer job that the CPCVM's have thrown my way. It's usually stuff that they don't want to do and they force the other person into doing it by saying "We know as a concerned parent...." so if you don't do whatever it is that they want you to do - well then, your just not a very concerned parent are you!?
They critique and criticize at every turn. I've learned a lot... Don't pick flowers while hiking with the little girls or else a group of angry Girl Scout moms might throw you in the camp fire (What did the flowers ever do to deserve this?). Don't send the State Representative, Government offices or your neighbors pet those magazine order forms to fill out - I got in a little trouble for this (My kids weren't involved with this either). And don't even get me started on my so called "plagiarized" cookies that I brought to all the countless bake sales - someone, somewhere DID bake those cookies. My ranting is done. I was hoping to justify my rudeness to the neighbor but it didn't work - I'll apologize to her at the band concert tomorrow.

I'm so cold

2005-12-08T10:21:00.000-06:00

It’s 7 degrees outside right now but the wind chill is -4. Since the wind chill is what the temperature feels like on our skin I think we should cut to the chase and instead of saying the temperature just say the wind chill. What’s the use of the temperature anyways? Who or what does the 7 degrees apply to? So, it’s -4 outside and I’m freezing. I hope Iowa, Illinois and Indiana enjoy the winter wonderland that I sent their way – we had around 9 – 10 inches of snow since yesterday. I just wanted to stay in my warm bed today, but no, I had to fight all the Hummers, Jeeps and Escalades that tried to push me off the road – I curse them all - #%@@!$%(&!

I’m wondering why my ancestors chose to settle here instead of being adventurous and head out west. Maybe they could’ve met up with some pirates who said “I hear thar are some islands out thar in the yonder, wanta set sail and do some discovering?” THEN - I would be drinking out of a coconut right now as I swing on my hammock and complain about all the tourist.